Why do you go out? Because it’s fun? you had a bad day? or maybe, you are looking to meet someone. Whatever the reason, you can never predict the outcome of a night out, but I can always guarantee if I am out with the older ladies from work, I will end up in some shitty club in Birmingham. I don’t know what it is with me but wherever I go I seem to attract the strangest of creatures in these clubs, from giving me lollipops for good luck (don’t ask) to strange men saying I’m soo cute that they could keep me in a cage….a BLOODY CAGE?! Would you like me to eat that seeded crap and do backflips off the bars as well?

I know it’s not just me, I know most girls have come across a wide variety of types of men in clubs, soo why not reminisce and do a blog post about it hey?! So here are the types of guys I have encountered in clubs and it will be great to see if you have come across them to!

THE CREEPY JOHN TRAVOLTA

You are having a great time with your friends dancing away and then suddenly this random lad comes out of nowhere and starts making crazy eye contact and hit bumping with you…WHO INVITED YOU? WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I have to say, I have watched this many time’s on the sidelines and its pure comedy, watching the guy in his own little world and then watching the girls squirming grabbing each other for help. Now, I thought we were over this, but I was proved wrong…I blame those tv shows on Netflix that suggest creepy guys are quite hot in a weird, not normal way (I.E YOU)

GOD HES CREEPY BUT I LOVE IT!

THE SPITTER

Tap on the shoulder, you turn around and there’s this smiley chap wanting to speak to you. I’ve had “my friend likes you or you look like Paloma faith” but the music is soo loud you can’t understand a word, so he does the worse thing possible, he talks to you in your ear, I mean, SPITS IN YOUR EAR. Did I ask for an ear infection?

THE STARER

Ever feel like someone is watching you? Chances are someone is but that’s all they are doing…staring. However, when you get closer to the lad you realise that he is just making great eye contact with your boobs…

THE DRUNK

There’s one in every club without fail and it’s a bloody nightmare if you interact with them because they just talk total shit and they are convinced they are related to you or know you in some way. I once watched a guy who was soo drunk he threw up and then fell off his podium face-planting his sick on the floor, Poor sod.

THE SHY GUY

He’s usually holding onto his beer for dear life, he will stand in his group and just nod along and wait for his turn to talk. He won’t talk to you unless you throw up on him by accident or steal his pint…works a treat trust me.

THE SMOOTH TALKER

He’s calm, he’s collected and he’s a COCKY COCK and he knows it! He knows the right words to say and he just might get you into bed tonight darling. Sometimes they come out with a bit of witty humour, for example, I was wearing a denim jacket and this guy comes out of nowhere wearing a similar denim jacket and says “Guess, you got the Denim memo?” 

Oh god I’m a sucker for flirty fashion chat up lines…TAKE ME HOME.

THE GIMME GIMME GIMME A GIRL AFTER MIDNIGHT LAD

Have you ever watched lads go from girl to girl, it’s happened to myself and I am pretty sure it’s happened to you? You tell him you got a boyfriend, girlfriend and he’s not taking no for an answer. So yes, sometimes you got to pull the crab card out and tell a guy you have crabs just to get rid of them and guess what I got in return “we could do it in the shower?”

Lord have mercy, thank god I spent the rest of the night in the toilet because as I came out at the end of the night, I saw him go home with another girl.

THE GUY IN THE WAISTCOAT

Don’t need to go into detail about this chap but there’s always one for every club you go into and they always look completely lost.

THE GUY WHO TOUCHES YOUR BUTT

Sometimes a guy will just jump on in there and will do what they think you will like…touch the butt. Is pinching the arse some way of saying hello? Is this a new craze the kids have brought out? But you know what’s worse? THE GHOST PINCHER…you will feel a pinch on your butt and you turn around and NO ONE IS THERE?!

THE SUITS

Friday night after works drinks are in order and Birmingham is full of navy suits and orange brogues. Usually a mixture of lads really, you have…

The “I own a BMW and a French bulldog” Guy

The “I don’t want to be here so I am just going to go along with this for a couple of hours and rush back to my girlfriend” Guy

and the guy who is all about “LADS TITS BEER YESSSSS LADSSSSS”

So, there you have it, the guys you will encounter at clubs and what’s that? the cries from you lads reading this post “BUT WHAT ABOUT GIRLS?” and lads, you are absolutely right! Unfortunately, girls, you are a lot worse in clubs than lads. Don’t believe me? Stay tuned for next week’s GIRLS IN CLUBS blog post.

AMY ELIZA