Ladies and Gents, I bring you the GIRLS IN CLUBS edition. It was hilarious to see how many of you had gone through the same experience as me with lads in clubs and hearing about how you dealt with some of the lads that I have mentioned. I promised you a Girls in club edition and I said, “Girls are much worse” and well…The proof is in the pudding baby. We have been at least 3 of those girls listed below, I can recall countless of times where I suddenly turned into Beyoncé at midnight shaking my shit everywhere and woke up the next morning full of NO REGRETS with a rip in my pants/tights. With so much drama in the world going on, we all deserve to let our hair down and act like prats now and again. So, here is the girls in club edition, are we worse than lads? Find out for yourself here…
Have you ever watched girls enjoy their night with a big smile on their face and then nearing the end of the night you accidentally walk in on them slumped on the toilet floor crying their eyes out screaming “IM SO F****** UGLY” yeah…it happens in every night club. I remember I was at the bar once next to this girl and that Lewis Capaldi kid came on, all of a sudden, I heard what can almost be described as the squeakiest fart ever and it was coming from her who just started bawling at the bar. I didn’t know what to do with myself, do I comfort her? Do I ask are you okay? I just did a Lemur move and danced out of the queue.
THE BIGGEST BOOTY COMPETITOR
It’s usually when the shots come into play and its either Cardi B or that bloody terrible song by Sean Paul comes on. All the girl’s group together to see who got the biggest “floppiest” booty, no joke I did it once at a firework display in Walsall park and knocked this poor kid flying with my arse so could you imagine me doing it in a club? Jeeez.
THE “JESUS CHRIST IS SHE EVER GOING TO STOP DANCING” GIRL
I have sat on the sidelines many times and watched girls dance until their heels fly off, like literally. Is she ever going to stop? Then you see girls clocking lads they like so what do they do? They dance into them by “accident” Admit it, you have done it and of course, we are all guilty of doing this, but It works every time!
THE SELFIE/SNAPCHAT GIRLS
In this day and age, unfortunately, we have the selfie queens. I prefer dickheads but let’s keep it PG12 here [insert troll face]. I Get it, go out have fun and take a photo but don’t spend the whole night holding onto your phone and recording yourself on Snapchat with those ridiculous cat ears. You also have the groups of girls that set up their own photoshoot in a club! Guys, you have no chance with this lot they are more obsessed with getting with themselves than you.
THE “I LOVE YOU BE MY FRIEND” GIRL
We all have come across this one most likely in the girl’s bathroom. “OMG YOUR SO PRETTY, I LOVE YOUR STYLE AND YOUR BF IS SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU” but you know what’s so great with these girls…they believe everything, for example, I once told this girl that I was a Kardashian and the hilarious response was “I should think so with that arse” and then asked for my signature…
THE BORED GIRL
You cant miss her, she’s sat in the corner with a cat bum pout looking extemly bored. You ask “are you okay” and they suddenly perk up for about 10 seconds saying they are and then slump back into “bored” mode. Come on now, surely you can do that at home on the sofa and turn on some music channels for free Bab.
THE GIRLS GONE WILD
Ladies and Gents bring out the poles because it’s about to get a little wild up in here! Short skirts, bra flashing, and Miley Cyrus tongues are flapping everywhere. It’s like the Birmingham version of girls gone wild in here.
THE EASY GIRL
“Easy lover, she’ll get a hold on you believe it, like no other, before you know it, you’ll be on your knees!” Yassss Phil Collins Preach! There is one or two in every club and it’s just another day in paradise for them going against all odds to take a chap home and feel SEXYTIME in the air tonight. Wait…Did I just quote Phil Collins song titles? Err YEAH, I DID!
THE GIRL NEXT DOOR
Calm, cool and collected. Holding onto her cocktail/prosecco, she has a great smile, great hair, great everything…The lads love her, but the girls can’t bloody stand her.
THE HEN PARTY
If you suddenly seeing flying penis’s and find your straw replaced with a penis there’s a 99% chance that the hen party has arrived, or you are probably possessed by some dick devil or something. The pink, the learner banners and Beyoncé, bloody Beyoncé is on repeat all throughout the night. I don’t mind a bit of Beyoncé, but that lady has a bloody dictionary of songs about female empowerment so guaranteed it’s going to be a very long night.
THE TIME TO GO HOME GIRL
she’s not hard to miss shes usually crawling across the dance floor with her skirt halfway up her butt or slumped over the toilet throwing up and crying at the same time. We have all been there, I once got so drunk that I threw up a garden, literally, it was like some sort of veggie patch coming out of my mouth, there were basil leaves, tomatoes and all kinds of herbs! I only had a bruschetta.