Come the end of January and you will see hearts popping up all over the city, you go to your local coffee shop on Saturdays and its full of couples that are recreating the “I won’t let go Jack” Titanic scene and food shop on Sundays you are always harassed by the check-out to buy those on sale chocolate hearts that taste like ass. You just can’t escape the plague that we call “Valentine’s day” I have only celebrated Valentine’s day for the first year of a relationship probably because you feel the pressure to do so in the first year of a relationship. Us single people try our best to survive this eye-rolling “holiday” but sometimes we just can’t. The reason I dislike this holiday is not that I’m single, I like being single! But because people judge and question why you are single thinking you’re weird? Maybe some people just want to enjoy their own company and not have to fork money out for a pointless day that should be celebrated every day. If you are in a couple and are not celebrating your love with your partner every day then THAT is weird, and you really need to question your relationship. Sadly, this holiday can bring back painful memories of singletons who are no longer in a relationship and I would like to give something back to those people, so here’s a quick guide I put together to surviving Valentine’s day.

AVOID BUYING LATTES

You know that coffee you get every morning from your local independent that helps you get through the day, yeah forget it about it, Pal. Not only is valentines day in the air but its also in our bloody food and drink especially in coffee shops where baristas like to get all arty-farty with the holiday and create all lovey-dovey art in our coffee.

FOOD IS NOT YOUR FRIEND THIS “HOLIDAY”

Valentine’s day now has its own bloody aisle in your local Tescos, I remember the days when it was just one farty little stand at the front of the shop that had some crappy 99p cards and dead roses. You can buy all sorts for your loved one’s flowers, alcohol, socks and underpants with an open window and we all know it’s not for easy access for the toilet. Even at the checkout, you can’t escape it, there’s always some sort of valentines till deals it’s like the scene out of Love Actually “Would you like some chocolates? Would you like it gift wrapped? We also have a very lovely heart-shaped designed gift bag to put it in and can spray with lavender?!” I mean I rather go to Aldi where they sling your shopping at you, don’t ask questions and have the 2 minutes of awkward bag packing.

RESTAURANTS ARE A DEFINATE NO

On the weekend I went to a lovely little restaurant in Leamington Spa, unfortunately, my experience was ruined by an uncalled reenactment of the Titanic. A couple leaning over the table holding each other’s hands and kissing every 20 seconds-Yeah, I’m not joking. Why do couples feel the need to throw it in peoples faces? there is a time and a bed at home where you can do all that hanky panky, you don’t need to do it in public and around food.

NETFLIX AND TAKEAWAY

Sometimes the best way to celebrate valentines day is in your pants on the sofa with a dirty takeaway and Netflix.

WATCH LA LA LAND

La La Land taught me three lessons

1. You don’t always end up with your soulmate
2. Love is not like the love you see in the movies. Boy meets girl, they fall in love there’s a small bump in the road they get over it and they kiss the end. Sometimes relationships can pause all life aspirations and love, could be you as a partner stepping back and letting your partner bloom no matter how painful it may feel. Sometimes we do need to pause our relationships for ourselves to flourish and achieve our highest potential in life but there’s always a price.
3. Never regret love, be grateful if you have ever experienced it because some couples out there who scream the L-word within 2 weeks don’t know how amazing and yet devasting it is to experience that feeling.

OR WATCH A HORROR WHERE THE ANNOYING COUPLE DIES FIRST

Okay okay, you can’t just watch a horror film to see a poor innocent couple murdered to shit but you can watch a horror film and take notes on why the annoying couples get the chop first and appreciate that you have the advantage as a single person you are more likely to outlive the couple. I swear I am not drunk writing this…

SINGLE LADIES REVEAL YOURSELVES!

SINGLE PRINGLES LETS MINGLE!

If you are lucky to have a few single friends then why not head out into town and embrace being single! I actually saw a tweet the other day from a girl called “Lolly” saying “Valentines day is for couples, why do I always go out with my bf on V day and see desperate single girls everywhere?! so annoying” 

1. First things first “Lolly” you name is pure wank
2. You are confusing confident with desperate.
3. If you are noticing these girls more than your bf then maybe you need to jump ship Bab and hop on the muffin express Deeeekhead!

Let single people go out and enjoy themselves, there is no rulebook to say that single people can’t go out on valentines day, they have a valentine and that’s themselves and I will embrace that any bloody day because love for yourself comes first before anyone else

DIGITAL DETOX- TURN OFF THE PHONE

Smushy photos of couples, heart-themed Snapchat filters and thirrrrrstaaay tweets. I rather celebrate “I GOT MY PERIOD” day then this hoo har of a holiday. The best thing you can do is switch off and avoid. I switched my phone off the other day for 5 hours, I found myself watching pointless tv just to fill the time like Bad Girls Club and “My wife left me for a robot” documentaries. I kept looking over my shoulder at my phone and you know you have a problem when you choose to look at your phone rather than eat your steak dinner. Argh! so ashamed of myself so a digital detox is something I take part in every week now.

WRITE YOURSELF A LOVE LETTER

To many, this may sound ridiculous but you know what, it actually works. After my last relationship, I wrote myself a letter on why I deserved better, why I’m so great and why at this time you don’t need anyone to hold you up because you can hold yourself on your own. That’s one of the biggest things I have learnt in life is that some people just can’t hold themselves in life and they need a partner to carry them along throughout life, what happens if your partner gets tired of carrying you and decides to go carry another person? I was carried a lot in life but now I feel strong enough to carry myself and for me personally, that is pretty sexy!

AND REMIND YOURSELF COUPLES MIGHT BE HAVING SEX BUT YOU KNOW YOU

For some reason, if your in a couple you are expected by the whole world to have sex on Valentine’s day. This is a load of TITS because my last relationship lasted 7 years and we have not once had sex on Valentine’s day. However, if you are planning to all I can say is Way to go…but if your single remember this you know you and it takes years for someone else to “know” you and what you like. So save yourself some disappointing sex and well, have a night in with yourself.

AMY ELIZA