“Have you ever played ping pong with a vagina before?”

Well, it’s not the best start to 2020, is it? for many holiday seekers relying on that booked holiday to finally relax, top up their tans and maybe even find love, are sadly having to cancel their 2020 treat due to the outbreak of CO-VID 19. Yes, corona, you have well and truly buggered 2020 “The year that was going to be my year,” said the so many millions of people that say the same quote every year. However, let’s not take this as a negative because this year could be the year to reflect, plan and save for 2021.

I find that as you get older the time just flies by and sometimes you just don’t have the time to sit down with yourself and think “Okay, what do I want to do?” I am finding whilst I am self-isolating, that I have all the time in the world to think, thoughts that have never crossed my mind are now quite common in the past week and of course, memories.  I was flicking through my phone and came across my Thailand photographs in which I started laughing straight away because I remember before I went to Thailand I felt very down about life, and I just wanted to escape Birmingham for two weeks with my cousin Jess. The memories we made, the experiences we experienced, and my god, the laughs we had. I looked back at the photos in which I am gleaming, I look so happy and you wouldn’t think I just came out of a seven-year relationship with someone who I thought I was going to marry. I wanted to step out of my comfort zone, and Thailand was just that because I never fancied Thailand! a couple of my friends went before me and I would think “Why the hell would you want to go to a place like that?!” but soon as I got off that 12-hour flight, Thailand threw everything at me from condom restaurants (Yes for real), sex shows, to walking amongst beautiful temples and elephants. I learnt a lot from Thailand, and it’s a destination I would recommend to anyone in a heartbeat and so, if you’re gutted about your holiday being cancelled in Spain why not step out of your comfort zone and explore Thailand?

So I have put together a blog post with lots of photos, hilarious stories and recommendations. We travelled to Bangkok, Chiang Mai and Phuket so there is a lot to get through so there is going to be a part 2. If there is anything that has caught your eye and want to know more about just send me a comment and I’ll be happy to give you more information! Other than that I hope I don’t disgust you too much.

BANGKOK- WHERE WE ALMOST GOT ARRESTED

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When we first arrived in Bangkok, we arrived with a bang…quite literally. It was like a scene you would see in a cartoon, we got off our 12-hour flight, grabbed our suitcases and headed to the escalators to get out of Bangkok Airport. We stepped onto the escalators (no steps) and missed the sign to hold onto our luggage- well my cousin Jess did, because the next thing I heard was the loudest screeching ever, so loud that the whole of the airport looked our way with panic expressions. I looked forward and I just see this suitcase running away from Jess and her running after it down the escalator. I couldn’t stop laughing and what was worse is that I needed the toilet so bad, I was having to control my bowels whilst laughing. The suitcase was heading towards these two doors made out of glass and I remember thinking “Oh shit, we are going to get arrested” the suitcase slammed of the glass doors, the sound was honestly like a bomb had gone off but luckily the doors never smashed. Jess grabbed the suitcase where security was standing looking very unimpressed. A close call to getting arrested and sharting but a moment I’ll never forget.

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CABBAGES & CONDOMS- THE CONDOM RESTAURANT

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I remember coming across this restaurant online thinking “This is not real! It’s got to be a joke?” so when we jumped out of our Tuk-Tuk and saw the sign and light shades made out of condoms, We knew instantly that this is going to be the weirdest dining experience we will ever experience in our lives. Just imagine condoms everywhere, floating in the sky, on the tables, mannequins and flowers made out of them, it got to the point I was starting to imagine dicks as well. The restaurant has a mission to help prevent sexually transmitted diseases and Hey, I thought I was just here for food but found myself in a sex-ed class reading of all the information boards on what you should and should not swallow. The food is pretty basic, but the springs rolls are pretty amazing, but I just kept catching the 100 condom light shades staring at me whilst eating and I couldn’t finish my rolls as I was thinking about dicks again. A very surreal experience and to our amusement when we paid for the bill, I was expecting some complimentary mints that you usually get at a Thai restaurant but nope, they gave us complimentary condoms instead.

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MASSAGE- WITH AN ADDED CHEEKY FINGER

Okay, so we all know about the happy ending massage parlours in Thailand so can you imagine my face when I ask for a traditional massage and got more than what I asked for?! We went to some random parlour on the street in Bangkok, didn’t look into it but we were so desperate for a massage. They first scrubbed our feet then took us to this pitch-black room upstairs with two mattresses on the floor and told us to remove our clothes. We didn’t think much of it at first as it was just two middle-aged women plus, we have never had a Thai massage, so we did as what we were told and removed our clothes. This woman I had was pretty good she poured oil down my back and was rubbing all the knots out, from my neck to my feet however as she was gliding back up with the oil she got to my bum and well she, did me over didn’t she?! The crafty fucker slipped a finger in where no fingers shall ever go again, it was like 5 seconds, but I kept fighting with myself thinking if it happened or not. Soon as the women left I turned to Jess literally gobsmacked “I just lost my finger in bum virginity” We couldn’t stop laughing, Jess said her lady straddled her and kept thrusting her vagina in her bum, we couldn’t get out of there quick enough but my back felt great after so I’ll give her that.

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CHIANG MAI- WHERE WE ALMOST GOT EATEN ALIVE.

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Chiang Mai was one of my favourite places in Thailand although we had a lot of run-ins with the wildlife there, some good and some bad. One of the nights, we decided to take a look at The Night Bazaar which has everything from furniture to crocodile on a stick. On the way back we decided to get a Tuk-Tuk halfway then walk home. As we were walking past an alley, we could hear some growling, we looked down and there was a group of wild dogs. Now, these are not the dogs you get back home, they are almost mutated, dribbling and covered in wounds, not a pretty sight. They clocked us, then they started barking and charged at us. I have never run so fast in my life; I did not want to get eaten alive by dogs even if they are one of my favourite animals. The night didn’t stop there, as we were running a couple of rats decided it was a marathon and ran in front of us, so we screamed some more and increased our speed. When we got back to the hotel which was in the middle of the jungle, we felt so relieved until what I can only describe as a massive lizard orgy on our door to our room, the audacity of these big fuckers out here.

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ELEPHANT NATURE PARK- A TRULY REMARKABLE EXPERIENCE

So, there is a lot of negativity when it comes to animal welfare with Thailand and especially with elephants. A lot of these horror stories you hear from elephants forced to dance to the public, carrying logs up mountains and working as beggars on the streets are sadly true. The biggest con of all is these “sanctuary’s” that make you believe that they are taking care of the elephants but when they close the doors after you leave it’s a different story. So, Jess and I did some research into legit sanctuary’s for elephants and the elephant nature park came up founded by Lek Chailert who has dedicated her life to rescuing abused elephants and is one of Asia’s heroes for animal welfare. Before you arrive you are educated in these amazing animals and how they are abused all over the world, you get to know some of the nature parks elephants stories but when you see the elephants now you wouldn’t have thought they had such a tragic past. They are chasing each other, flapping their ears and are free. No bull hooks are allowed in the nature park, each elephant has a keeper to look after them and you can see the incredible bond, they all have.

 One elephant that I just fell in love with and had a tragic story was Jokia, Her story is very upsetting-Warning senstive content -Jokia is a female elephant who worked in the log trade. She suffered a miscarriage while pulling a log uphill and was not allowed to stop working to see if her calf was dead or alive. This event cause Jokia extreme physical and emotional trauma and she refused to go back to work. As a result, she was deliberately blinded in both eyes on two separate occasions by different owners.

Jokia has two best friends Navann and Sri Prae who help guide her throughout the park with their trunks. We got to meet Jokia and Navann, Navann was holding on to Jokia and they couldn’t stop flapping their ears when we greeted them. She looked so happy, for a human to hurt her like that and not attack us as we approached just shows how strong spirited and beautiful these animals are.

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The elephant nature park is something that will stick with me for a long time, they have strict rules of no riding, no ball hooks, no bathing, no performing and no abusing them in any sort of way. To see free elephants, behave naturally rolling around in the mud with their friends, chasing one and other and just smiling was enough for me. We did get to feed the elephants watermelon, watch them bathe in the lake and give them a stroke. The Nature park also recuse dogs, cats, and buffaloes, they all roam freely in the park and there are hundreds of volunteers who work to support the park

If you are going to a “sanctuary” where the workers carry bull hooks, promote elephant rides and elephant shows, they are chained, or not informing you about the welfare of elephants then it’s not a sanctuary, you’re paying these people to carry on abusing them. It might look great for a photo you riding on an elephant but many of the elephants at the Nature Park sanctuary have had their backbones dislocated because of this, the workers who they had worked for won’t see this (well, refuse to acknowledge) and sadly will abuse them, even more, to carry on with broken bones to make money or they die.

If you are interested in finding more about the Park, please head over to the website here

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That’s it for part one of The Thailand Diaries, Part two will be next week and this part gets a little bit freaky with Ping Pong shows, dancing with strippers, and bumpy rides Baby– Oh god I’m so sorry Mom!

AMY ELIZA