Who knows why I’m doing this? Maybe it’s because I find solace in pouring out my thoughts on a WordPress blog, or perhaps I crave validation and answers from others. This won’t be an easy topic to discuss, especially since I feel completely clueless about what’s going on. Oh, bloody hell, this is going to be a disaster, isn’t it? I’m already feeling self-conscious, nervously scratching my chin as I type, picking biscuit crumbs out of my laptop keys. But let’s dive in.

Over the past two months, I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster. Most of the time, I’m on cloud nine—filled with happiness, motivation, and inspiration. It’s as if my entire being is floating in mid-air, invisible to the world. It’s strange, but I quite enjoy it. Then there are those days when a sense of dread consumes me. Is this the life I truly want? Am I on the right path? I question everything, from my job to the very city I live in. Sometimes, I wish to escape, and the only culprit I can pinpoint is the harsh reality of growing up.

You see, if you know me, I can be quite childish. I’m outspoken and unfiltered, and my inner child shines through. Bills, self-reflection in the mirror, discussions about having children—those are the things I tend to avoid. I don’t want to face them. Of course, bills must be paid, but the idea of being tied down, having kids, and witnessing my body change terrifies me.

Who scrutinizes their body every day? I barely glance at mine every three months, and even then, I try to avoid eye contact while applying makeup. Is that normal? I’m not sure. Watching videos of myself is a struggle, and sometimes, even looking at pictures is painful. I can vividly see the changes in myself over the past ten years. I struggle to accept that everyone grows up and that eternal youth is just a myth. The problem arises when you neglect yourself for too long, and the shock hits you as it did for me the other night—wide hips, heavy breasts, forehead wrinkles—when did all this happen? And then because I’m bloody weird, maybe I can make some money from this ever-changing body on OnlyFans? Of course, cracking jokes and using comedy as a shield is my go-to defence mechanism when I’m feeling fragile. Laughter has a magical way of temporarily easing the pain and worries. but hey, those tits though, pretty chuffed with those.

If it’s not body image issues, it’s the constant emotional thunderstorm inside my head. Countless questions swirl around, but answers seem elusive, or maybe I’m not asking the right ones. The main question that plagues me is: Am I genuinely happy? The answer changes daily. I do love my life—I actually have a great life. I’m surrounded by a loving family, supportive partner and wonderful friends, I have a thriving career and my own business. I even have a dog now! Financially, things are stable. So, why do I wake up on certain days wanting to close my eyes and wish it all away? I’ve battled depression before, and back then, I had what seemed like valid reasons to feel depressed. But then again, is there ever a right or wrong reason? Am I slipping back into depression? I can’t tell.

Another issue that weighs heavily on my mind is the concept of mortality, particularly as I grow older. It hits me on a deeply emotional level, especially when it concerns my parents. My dad’s heart issues and my mom’s mobility challenges serve as constant reminders of our mortality. I hold cherished memories of family vacations, especially those times spent swimming together. I can still picture myself laughing uncontrollably and peeing at the same time (Yes I am gross and I love it) as I swim towards my dad, eagerly pleading for him to lift me up and launch me across the pool. And there’s my mom, wearing her beloved Aston Villa cap, angrily shouting, “MARTIN YOU BLOODY WOLLY YOU COULD’VE KILLED HER!” She never wanted to get that bloody cap wet and she would just bloody float in the same spot for ages. So I would go under water and play Jaws with her, playfully tickling her legs underwater, forcing her to swim properly, God, I was a right little shit. Sadly now, those days are a distant memory, and it’s quite sad because many of the things we did back then, we can no longer do. Writing about it evokes a surge of emotions, as the thought of not being able to relive those precious moments upsets me.

I suppose you could call this a journal of my thoughts, or a chaotic collection of musings thrown together on a blog. This post might resonate with many, while others might ask, “What the bloody hell is she rambling about?” Is this what growing up is like—never knowing where you stand with yourself, constantly engaged in a 24/7 battle with your thoughts? As I write this, it might be one of my low days. On good days, I feel like I could win an Oscar, strutting down the street like a supermodel, effortlessly singing Kate Bush.

In a world filled with constant upheaval and crazy challenges, it’s only natural to experience these fluctuations in emotions and self-perception. How could one not feel this way? It’s important to recognise that many individuals go through similar phases of uncertainty and questioning. If I find myself struggling with body image issues, it’s an opportunity for self-reflection and personal growth. Perhaps it’s time to prioritise self-care, build self-confidence, and work on embracing the changes life brings.

Maybe it’s the realisation that life can be fleeting that has brought me to this contemplative state. I laugh now when I think back to those school days, impatiently staring at the clock at 10 a.m, desperately wishing the day would fast forward. “Why can’t I be 18 already?” “When am I going to get my first shag” I’d ponder. “I want to go out and party!” And then the thought of being married would consume my mind. It was as if I wanted to fast-forward through life. But here I am, at 31 years old, understanding the significance of cherishing every single moment. Life is short, unpredictable, and mental health becomes an ever-present concern. Honestly, growing up is an incredibly tough journey even more of a tough journey with dodgy bowels. It’s a constant reminder to seize each precious moment, embrace the unpredictability, and nurture our mental well-being along the way.

As I go through life, I’ve come to realise that I may never find all the answers to the countless questions swirling in my head. Maybe we’re all in the same boat, destined to have these never-ending inquiries without clear-cut solutions. Who knows? It’s actually kind of freeing to accept that I might not have all the answers. It allows me to embrace the unknown and find some sort of peace in the journey itself. Writing this out has given me a sense of relief to be honest, I feel like I have emptied all the weird thoughts out, and giving myself a break from the craziness inside my head. It’s a small step towards regaining my sanity and finding a bit of calm amidst the chaotic uncertainty of life.

Jesus Christ, I need a brew after that…