So, this is the part of the holiday where it gets a little bit out of control…I mean like almost dying on speedboats in the middle of nowhere and seeing certain objects that should never be taken out or even associated with a vagina, out of control.
If your reading this then I am guessing you enjoyed part 1 of the madness Jessica and I experienced in Thailand, but it doesn’t stop there at Chiang Mai, I mean, have you not heard what happens in Phuket? Trust me it’s not all madness, but I don’t think we actually prepared ourselves for the madness that Phuket had to offer. So here goes part two, again I have put together a blog post with lots of photos, hilarious stories and recommendations. We travelled from Chiang Mai to Phuket and some of the Islands. If there is anything that has caught your eye and wants to know more about just send me a comment and I’ll be happy to give you more information! Other than that, I hope I don’t disgust you too much.
THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE PHUKET…HOLD ON TO YA KNICKERS!
After a very tight and sweaty flight from Chiang Mai, we finally arrived in Phuket and jumped into the nearest taxi we could find. The taxi guy proceeded to get more and more people into the taxi with us, it was like a bloody school trip, but we met a couple of them and decided to go out in Phuket. After an hour in a sweaty taxi, we finally arrived at the hotel which was a 4-star spa resort called Deevana Patong where we had a cute little bungalow to ourselves and was completely surrounded by lots of BUSH. It was around 8 pm and we headed to the famous strip in Phuket-Patong Beach. Now if you haven’t heard of Patong Beach, just imagine the strip in Malia but on a larger scale, more wild with half-naked women dancing to The Weekend, lights flashing so much they could give anyone an epilepsy fit, theatrical grand entrances to clubs and signs smacking of your face offering half-price sex shows and of course, a good time. The weirdest thing about this strip was that families were walking up and down carrying pushchairs and holding on to their clueless little kids who would just point at the bright lights. So innocent, what they don’t know is that the bright light that they are pointing at actually belongs to a strip club. As Jess and I were walking up the strip we noticed the two lads we met in the taxi, they took everyone’s numbers and mentioned that they couldn’t get in touch with the other two girls…hmmm. Anyway, we thought let’s give this Patong Beach a bloody go! So, we ordered in the shots, we ordered in the buckets and we pretty much ordered whatever the hell we wanted because it’s so dirt cheap out here, it was like getting pissed royally. The drinks started to kick in and we were all, how can I say it…. completely twatted. So, what do you do when you are so drunk and have lost respect for yourself?
You go see a ping pong show of course!
PING PONG SHOWS: “I HAVE NEVER PLAYED PING PONG WITH A VAGINA BEFORE”
So, the strip in Patong beach is just packed full of men and women holding up signs for ping pong shows, you simply can’t miss them because you will most likely walk into about four of them in one minute. We approached one of the guys who was holding up a sign for the show, we told him we were interested, and he said “follow me” then proceeded to take us down one of the side alleys of the strip. I was pretty drunk, but I remember at the time thinking “Oh balls, this would be scary if I was sober right now” From the outside, it was honestly like a scene from Grand Theft Auto Vice City where your about to rob a hooker house. It was a house, a very big American-like house like X-men but of course, on a small scale. We walked in and entered this massive room with a stage with two naked women performing and Drake on blast.
You have to buy a drink, and they cost about £20 for one bottle of Corona but that’s your entrance, show, and drink fee, BUT YOU HAVE TO BUY ONE if not, your gone and especially if you get your phone out. Looking around you have a right mixture from old men to couples of all ages just watching the show with smiles and all. To be honest with you, strip clubs are not my thing, I went to Legs11 once and it just wasn’t my cup of tea, but the free chicken wings were, so that is the only positive I have to say about strip clubs. I don’t know if it’s because they all look miserable but I mean, come on, there is nothing to feel all hot and excited about when you are performing in front of a bunch of 60-year-old men dribbling over you and can’t even “make it rain” on your ass.
But Thai girls, they love it. They genuinely look like they love their job even if it does involve shoving a goldfish up their fanny. When we entered the club, the show seemed to get a little bit more exciting probably because the young lads we were with and me and Jessica were cheering them on. We also, “got involved” with the girls and what I mean by “getting involved” is quite literally getting involved in playing tennis with their vaginas… At one point watching Jessica go head to head with a vagina, You could have told me I was at Wimbledon watching a Tennis match, I would most likely believe you as I was that drunk…Next thing I know I was on all fours on the floor trying to figure out how they shove a Budgie bird up there and a string of razor blades?!! I think the girls were loving our side of the room as they kept trying to get us all to interact with them, how it didn’t end up in a full-blown orgy I will never know.
MEETING THE PING PONG GIRLS
So, with all the drink, I consumed…a girl gotta pee. So, I headed to the bathroom whilst everyone was waiting outside for me and I noticed two of the “Ping Pong” girls in there. They asked me if I enjoyed the show and of course, I asked them the million-dollar question ‘Where the hell do these objects go in your vagina?” of course they said something in Thai and I didn’t have a clue what it means but she made a hand gesture of almost like a vacuum cleaner up the Vag. God knows what that means, but they shook hands with me and walked out of the bathroom. I was on my way out of the club with the others and then I realised “Fuck, I just shook hands with them, and they had their hands up to their vaginas all night”
ISLAND HOPPING: TAKE A PILL, HOLD AND PRAY
So, Jessica and I grabbed a boat to get to some of the Islands in Phuket. We hopped on board a small speedboat with an open deck with seats, when we were about to set off the driver said, “Whoa no one is leaving without taking an anti-sickness tablet” Yes, the Andaman Sea is not full of treasure, it’s full of puke.
We went on the top deck of the boat…what a mistake because we took off and everyone on the top deck was thrown like rag dolls, Jess and I were holding on for dear life and some people, well were just completely out of it…
DID I DIE AND WAKE UP FAMOUS?!
After an hour on the bumpiest ride of my life, we finally managed to check out a couple of the Islands. We saw Maya Bay and waved to Leonardo DiCaprio, jumped into paddle boats and went through the sea caves of Koh Talu, sunbathed in Koh Bon and went scuba diving! We also went to Khao Phing Kan known as “James Bond Island” now, I have been doing some research on this and still don’t know the reason why we had multiple people coming up to me and Jessica asking for selfies. I was just minding my own business taking a photo of that weirdly shaped rock and I suddenly felt a tap on my shoulder, I turned around and it was a group of guys asking if they could have a picture of me. I was so confused but agreed to do it as they seemed really innocent, but then after that, another guy came up to me with his WIFE?! Asking for a photo. I was thinking has something happened back home that I don’t know about. Am I millionaire walking round like I don’t have a bloody clue or are they getting mixed up with someone else? Weirdly enough Jess came over to me and was experiencing the same thing. We were only on the island for an hour, but it was the most bizarre hour of my life. I don’t have a clue what they have done with those photos, I might be on some Thai wife for sale website for all I know, that would explain the weird “Guywithhugedick wants to send you a message” emails I keep getting ever since.
THE ISLAND FULL OF CATS AND BIRDS
Another bizarre Island was Ko Panyi which is amazingly built on stilts! You might recognise this Village if you have watched “Jack Whitehall’s travels with my father” with the floating football pitch which was pretty cool to see. As we were walking around it had like these dingy little areas which we had to question ourselves if we were actually allowed to go down as it was part of people’s houses. Cats were roaming everywhere, never seen so many cats in my life and there were hundreds of these little birds in cages hanging up. They have a school, police station, health center and mosque on that tiny island which is bizarre because people are going about their day and then you just see tourists taking pictures of them, a very bizarre experience, not too sure I would like experience again.
The one thing I will say is Thailand’s strippers are so friendly, they want to include you in the fun and to be honest this one stripper that was dancing, I don’t think she even cared about the money because she just demanded girls to get up and dance with her. I was drunk but I wasn’t “lets dance with my tits out” drunk yet so I was just her little cheerleader on the side but fair play to Jess she got up there, although it kind of reminded me of a constipated hamster on a pole…Sorry, Jess haha but no one cared, it was fun! We got to play snooker with even more randoms, share these buckets that took me back to the sharing jugs in Weatherspoons and we all just let our hair down whatever problems we had back at home they were gone for this night. Even bashing a nail on the head with a hammer was fun? Yes, it’s a drinking game over in Thailand that could but luckily didn’t end up nasty, even the bartenders were getting involved and throwing drinks at us, and some for free.
That night Jess and I got separated from each other. I found myself jumping into a rooftop pool at 2 am in the morning and sharing a kiss with one of the guys who we met on the way to Phuket. Although it maybe wasn’t the best time to get close to someone as I split up with my boyfriend of 7 years and was completely clueless if I was okay to do this sort of thing (me being a stupid girl) I’m glad I did, it could have gone further but it didn’t because I’m just not that girl who has one night stands and moves on so quickly plus I was still thinking about him. I was so lucky that night because I could have found myself in a situation where the lad could have turned around and said “no, you are not leaving and we are going to have sex” but he fully understood I was so confused and hurt by the situation back home. We chilled out, talked and then he helped me get home.
DON’T EAT SALADS
After all the junk food we consumed, I just wanted something nice and refreshing like a salad. We found this lovely little restaurant in the town and although I got my salad, I also got a little something extra as well…The shits. Oh my goodness, I have never run so fast for the toilet in my life, luckily we got back and I was outside, Jess was inside sleeping and I just remember thinking “I do not feel good” and running for the toilet, good lord I think the whole of Thailand came out of me that night. Whatever you do in Thailand, just make sure you don’t eat a salad over there.
It was finally time to say goodbye to Thailand and I remember staring at the sunset in Phuket airport waiting to catch our flight home. I remember thinking I don’t want to go home; I knew what was facing me and I just didn’t want to be an adult and deal with it yet. The grieving process of a relationship ending, a job that I am not fussed about, and really, reality. So many hilarious and amazing memories with my cousin on that holiday, memories that make great stories to tell those who are feeling down and will guarantee to get some giggles. I miss the Thai coffee that gave us the shits, the beautiful and the not so beautiful scenery we would wake up to, the unwelcomed visitors (Lizards) that at the time was terrifying but looking back comedy gold and just living the best life with my best friend Jess. I think Thailand was the start of learning to love myself and I was starting to figure out what I wanted in life, and it will always be a holiday that opened my eyes and finally realising what I want in life. A big thank you to Jess for coming with me, she knew I was down, and she knew I needed it so much and it did help, Thailand I’ll never forget you and your bloody mad ways!
Hope you enjoyed it!