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THE THAILAND DIARIES: PART TWO

So, this is the part of the holiday where it gets a little bit out of control…I mean like almost dying on speedboats in the middle of nowhere and seeing certain objects that should never be taken out or even associated with a vagina, out of control.

If your reading this then I am guessing you enjoyed part 1 of the madness Jessica and I experienced in Thailand, but it doesn’t stop there at Chiang Mai, I mean, have you not heard what happens in Phuket? Trust me it’s not all madness, but I don’t think we actually prepared ourselves for the madness that Phuket had to offer. So here goes part two, again I have put together a blog post with lots of photos, hilarious stories and recommendations. We travelled from Chiang Mai to Phuket and some of the Islands. If there is anything that has caught your eye and wants to know more about just send me a comment and I’ll be happy to give you more information! Other than that, I hope I don’t disgust you too much.

THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE PHUKET…HOLD ON TO YA KNICKERS!

After a very tight and sweaty flight from Chiang Mai, we finally arrived in Phuket and jumped into the nearest taxi we could find. The taxi guy proceeded to get more and more people into the taxi with us, it was like a bloody school trip, but we met a couple of them and decided to go out in Phuket. After an hour in a sweaty taxi, we finally arrived at the hotel which was a 4-star spa resort called Deevana Patong where we had a cute little bungalow to ourselves and was completely surrounded by lots of BUSH. It was around 8 pm and we headed to the famous strip in Phuket-Patong Beach. Now if you haven’t heard of Patong Beach, just imagine the strip in Malia but on a larger scale, more wild with half-naked women dancing to The Weekend, lights flashing so much they could give anyone an epilepsy fit, theatrical grand entrances to clubs and signs smacking of your face offering half-price sex shows and of course, a good time. The weirdest thing about this strip was that families were walking up and down carrying pushchairs and holding on to their clueless little kids who would just point at the bright lights. So innocent, what they don’t know is that the bright light that they are pointing at actually belongs to a strip club. As Jess and I were walking up the strip we noticed the two lads we met in the taxi, they took everyone’s numbers and mentioned that they couldn’t get in touch with the other two girls…hmmm. Anyway, we thought let’s give this Patong Beach a bloody go! So, we ordered in the shots, we ordered in the buckets and we pretty much ordered whatever the hell we wanted because it’s so dirt cheap out here, it was like getting pissed royally. The drinks started to kick in and we were all, how can I say it…. completely twatted. So, what do you do when you are so drunk and have lost respect for yourself? 

You go see a ping pong show of course!

PING PONG SHOWS: “I HAVE NEVER PLAYED PING PONG WITH A VAGINA BEFORE”

So, the strip in Patong beach is just packed full of men and women holding up signs for ping pong shows, you simply can’t miss them because you will most likely walk into about four of them in one minute. We approached one of the guys who was holding up a sign for the show, we told him we were interested, and he said “follow me” then proceeded to take us down one of the side alleys of the strip. I was pretty drunk, but I remember at the time thinking “Oh balls, this would be scary if I was sober right now” From the outside, it was honestly like a scene from Grand Theft Auto Vice City where your about to rob a hooker house. It was a house, a very big American-like house like X-men but of course, on a small scale. We walked in and entered this massive room with a stage with two naked women performing and Drake on blast. 

You have to buy a drink, and they cost about £20 for one bottle of Corona but that’s your entrance, show, and drink fee, BUT YOU HAVE TO BUY ONE if not, your gone and especially if you get your phone out. Looking around you have a right mixture from old men to couples of all ages just watching the show with smiles and all. To be honest with you, strip clubs are not my thing, I went to Legs11 once and it just wasn’t my cup of tea, but the free chicken wings were, so that is the only positive I have to say about strip clubs. I don’t know if it’s because they all look miserable but I mean, come on, there is nothing to feel all hot and excited about when you are performing in front of a bunch of 60-year-old men dribbling over you and can’t even “make it rain” on your ass.

But Thai girls, they love it. They genuinely look like they love their job even if it does involve shoving a goldfish up their fanny. When we entered the club, the show seemed to get a little bit more exciting probably because the young lads we were with and me and Jessica were cheering them on. We also, “got involved” with the girls and what I mean by “getting involved” is quite literally getting involved in playing tennis with their vaginas… At one point watching Jessica go head to head with a vagina, You could have told me I was at Wimbledon watching a Tennis match, I would most likely believe you as I was that drunk…Next thing I know I was on all fours on the floor trying to figure out how they shove a Budgie bird up there and a string of razor blades?!! I think the girls were loving our side of the room as they kept trying to get us all to interact with them, how it didn’t end up in a full-blown orgy I will never know.

MEETING THE PING PONG GIRLS

So, with all the drink, I consumed…a girl gotta pee. So, I headed to the bathroom whilst everyone was waiting outside for me and I noticed two of the “Ping Pong” girls in there. They asked me if I enjoyed the show and of course, I asked them the million-dollar question ‘Where the hell do these objects go in your vagina?” of course they said something in Thai and I didn’t have a clue what it means but she made a hand gesture of almost like a vacuum cleaner up the Vag. God knows what that means, but they shook hands with me and walked out of the bathroom. I was on my way out of the club with the others and then I realised “Fuck, I just shook hands with them, and they had their hands up to their vaginas all night”

ISLAND HOPPING: TAKE A PILL, HOLD AND PRAY

So, Jessica and I grabbed a boat to get to some of the Islands in Phuket. We hopped on board a small speedboat with an open deck with seats, when we were about to set off the driver said, “Whoa no one is leaving without taking an anti-sickness tablet” Yes, the Andaman Sea is not full of treasure, it’s full of puke. 

We went on the top deck of the boat…what a mistake because we took off and everyone on the top deck was thrown like rag dolls, Jess and I were holding on for dear life and some people, well were just completely out of it…

This was a complete stranger falling asleep on Jess’s shoulder….

DID I DIE AND WAKE UP FAMOUS?!

After an hour on the bumpiest ride of my life, we finally managed to check out a couple of the Islands. We saw Maya Bay and waved to Leonardo DiCaprio, jumped into paddle boats and went through the sea caves of Koh Talu, sunbathed in Koh Bon and went scuba diving! We also went to Khao Phing Kan known as “James Bond Island” now, I have been doing some research on this and still don’t know the reason why we had multiple people coming up to me and Jessica asking for selfies. I was just minding my own business taking a photo of that weirdly shaped rock and I suddenly felt a tap on my shoulder, I turned around and it was a group of guys asking if they could have a picture of me. I was so confused but agreed to do it as they seemed really innocent, but then after that, another guy came up to me with his WIFE?! Asking for a photo. I was thinking has something happened back home that I don’t know about. Am I millionaire walking round like I don’t have a bloody clue or are they getting mixed up with someone else? Weirdly enough Jess came over to me and was experiencing the same thing. We were only on the island for an hour, but it was the most bizarre hour of my life. I don’t have a clue what they have done with those photos, I might be on some Thai wife for sale website for all I know, that would explain the weird “Guywithhugedick wants to send you a message” emails I keep getting ever since.

THE ISLAND FULL OF CATS AND BIRDS

Another bizarre Island was Ko Panyi which is amazingly built on stilts! You might recognise this Village if you have watched “Jack Whitehall’s travels with my father” with the floating football pitch which was pretty cool to see. As we were walking around it had like these dingy little areas which we had to question ourselves if we were actually allowed to go down as it was part of people’s houses. Cats were roaming everywhere, never seen so many cats in my life and there were hundreds of these little birds in cages hanging up. They have a school, police station, health center and mosque on that tiny island which is bizarre because people are going about their day and then you just see tourists taking pictures of them, a very bizarre experience, not too sure I would like experience again.

The one thing I will say is Thailand’s strippers are so friendly, they want to include you in the fun and to be honest this one stripper that was dancing, I don’t think she even cared about the money because she just demanded girls to get up and dance with her. I was drunk but I wasn’t “lets dance with my tits out” drunk yet so I was just her little cheerleader on the side but fair play to Jess she got up there, although it kind of reminded me of a constipated hamster on a pole…Sorry, Jess haha but no one cared, it was fun! We got to play snooker with even more randoms, share these buckets that took me back to the sharing jugs in Weatherspoons and we all just let our hair down whatever problems we had back at home they were gone for this night. Even bashing a nail on the head with a hammer was fun? Yes, it’s a drinking game over in Thailand that could but luckily didn’t end up nasty, even the bartenders were getting involved and throwing drinks at us, and some for free.

That night Jess and I got separated from each other. I found myself jumping into a rooftop pool at 2 am in the morning and sharing a kiss with one of the guys who we met on the way to Phuket. Although it maybe wasn’t the best time to get close to someone as I split up with my boyfriend of 7 years and was completely clueless if I was okay to do this sort of thing (me being a stupid girl) I’m glad I did, it could have gone further but it didn’t because I’m just not that girl who has one night stands and moves on so quickly plus I was still thinking about him. I was so lucky that night because I could have found myself in a situation where the lad could have turned around and said “no, you are not leaving and we are going to have sex” but he fully understood I was so confused and hurt by the situation back home. We chilled out, talked and then he helped me get home.

DON’T EAT SALADS

After all the junk food we consumed, I just wanted something nice and refreshing like a salad. We found this lovely little restaurant in the town and although I got my salad, I also got a little something extra as well…The shits. Oh my goodness, I have never run so fast for the toilet in my life, luckily we got back and I was outside, Jess was inside sleeping and I just remember thinking “I do not feel good” and running for the toilet, good lord I think the whole of Thailand came out of me that night. Whatever you do in Thailand, just make sure you don’t eat a salad over there.

It was finally time to say goodbye to Thailand and I remember staring at the sunset in Phuket airport waiting to catch our flight home. I remember thinking I don’t want to go home; I knew what was facing me and I just didn’t want to be an adult and deal with it yet. The grieving process of a relationship ending, a job that I am not fussed about, and really, reality. So many hilarious and amazing memories with my cousin on that holiday, memories that make great stories to tell those who are feeling down and will guarantee to get some giggles. I miss the Thai coffee that gave us the shits, the beautiful and the not so beautiful scenery we would wake up to, the unwelcomed visitors (Lizards) that at the time was terrifying but looking back comedy gold and just living the best life with my best friend Jess. I think Thailand was the start of learning to love myself and I was starting to figure out what I wanted in life, and it will always be a holiday that opened my eyes and finally realising what I want in life. A big thank you to Jess for coming with me, she knew I was down, and she knew I needed it so much and it did help, Thailand I’ll never forget you and your bloody mad ways!

Hope you enjoyed it!

Amy Eliza

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lifestyle Thailand travel

THE THAILAND DIARIES: PART ONE…SORRY MOM & DAD

“Have you ever played ping pong with a vagina before?”

Well, it’s not the best start to 2020, is it? for many holiday seekers relying on that booked holiday to finally relax, top up their tans and maybe even find love, are sadly having to cancel their 2020 treat due to the outbreak of CO-VID 19. Yes, corona, you have well and truly buggered 2020 “The year that was going to be my year,” said the so many millions of people that say the same quote every year. However, let’s not take this as a negative because this year could be the year to reflect, plan and save for 2021.

I find that as you get older the time just flies by and sometimes you just don’t have the time to sit down with yourself and think “Okay, what do I want to do?” I am finding whilst I am self-isolating, that I have all the time in the world to think, thoughts that have never crossed my mind are now quite common in the past week and of course, memories.  I was flicking through my phone and came across my Thailand photographs in which I started laughing straight away because I remember before I went to Thailand I felt very down about life, and I just wanted to escape Birmingham for two weeks with my cousin Jess. The memories we made, the experiences we experienced, and my god, the laughs we had. I looked back at the photos in which I am gleaming, I look so happy and you wouldn’t think I just came out of a seven-year relationship with someone who I thought I was going to marry. I wanted to step out of my comfort zone, and Thailand was just that because I never fancied Thailand! a couple of my friends went before me and I would think “Why the hell would you want to go to a place like that?!” but soon as I got off that 12-hour flight, Thailand threw everything at me from condom restaurants (Yes for real), sex shows, to walking amongst beautiful temples and elephants. I learnt a lot from Thailand, and it’s a destination I would recommend to anyone in a heartbeat and so, if you’re gutted about your holiday being cancelled in Spain why not step out of your comfort zone and explore Thailand?

So I have put together a blog post with lots of photos, hilarious stories and recommendations. We travelled to Bangkok, Chiang Mai and Phuket so there is a lot to get through so there is going to be a part 2. If there is anything that has caught your eye and want to know more about just send me a comment and I’ll be happy to give you more information! Other than that I hope I don’t disgust you too much.

BANGKOK- WHERE WE ALMOST GOT ARRESTED

When we first arrived in Bangkok, we arrived with a bang…quite literally. It was like a scene you would see in a cartoon, we got off our 12-hour flight, grabbed our suitcases and headed to the escalators to get out of Bangkok Airport. We stepped onto the escalators (no steps) and missed the sign to hold onto our luggage- well my cousin Jess did, because the next thing I heard was the loudest screeching ever, so loud that the whole of the airport looked our way with panic expressions. I looked forward and I just see this suitcase running away from Jess and her running after it down the escalator. I couldn’t stop laughing and what was worse is that I needed the toilet so bad, I was having to control my bowels whilst laughing. The suitcase was heading towards these two doors made out of glass and I remember thinking “Oh shit, we are going to get arrested” the suitcase slammed of the glass doors, the sound was honestly like a bomb had gone off but luckily the doors never smashed. Jess grabbed the suitcase where security was standing looking very unimpressed. A close call to getting arrested and sharting but a moment I’ll never forget.

CABBAGES & CONDOMS- THE CONDOM RESTAURANT

I remember coming across this restaurant online thinking “This is not real! It’s got to be a joke?” so when we jumped out of our Tuk-Tuk and saw the sign and light shades made out of condoms, We knew instantly that this is going to be the weirdest dining experience we will ever experience in our lives. Just imagine condoms everywhere, floating in the sky, on the tables, mannequins and flowers made out of them, it got to the point I was starting to imagine dicks as well. The restaurant has a mission to help prevent sexually transmitted diseases and Hey, I thought I was just here for food but found myself in a sex-ed class reading of all the information boards on what you should and should not swallow. The food is pretty basic, but the springs rolls are pretty amazing, but I just kept catching the 100 condom light shades staring at me whilst eating and I couldn’t finish my rolls as I was thinking about dicks again. A very surreal experience and to our amusement when we paid for the bill, I was expecting some complimentary mints that you usually get at a Thai restaurant but nope, they gave us complimentary condoms instead.

MASSAGE- WITH AN ADDED CHEEKY FINGER

Okay, so we all know about the happy ending massage parlours in Thailand so can you imagine my face when I ask for a traditional massage and got more than what I asked for?! We went to some random parlour on the street in Bangkok, didn’t look into it but we were so desperate for a massage. They first scrubbed our feet then took us to this pitch-black room upstairs with two mattresses on the floor and told us to remove our clothes. We didn’t think much of it at first as it was just two middle-aged women plus, we have never had a Thai massage, so we did as what we were told and removed our clothes. This woman I had was pretty good she poured oil down my back and was rubbing all the knots out, from my neck to my feet however as she was gliding back up with the oil she got to my bum and well she, did me over didn’t she?! The crafty fucker slipped a finger in where no fingers shall ever go again, it was like 5 seconds, but I kept fighting with myself thinking if it happened or not. Soon as the women left I turned to Jess literally gobsmacked “I just lost my finger in bum virginity” We couldn’t stop laughing, Jess said her lady straddled her and kept thrusting her vagina in her bum, we couldn’t get out of there quick enough but my back felt great after so I’ll give her that.

CHIANG MAI- WHERE WE ALMOST GOT EATEN ALIVE.

Chiang Mai was one of my favourite places in Thailand although we had a lot of run-ins with the wildlife there, some good and some bad. One of the nights, we decided to take a look at The Night Bazaar which has everything from furniture to crocodile on a stick. On the way back we decided to get a Tuk-Tuk halfway then walk home. As we were walking past an alley, we could hear some growling, we looked down and there was a group of wild dogs. Now, these are not the dogs you get back home, they are almost mutated, dribbling and covered in wounds, not a pretty sight. They clocked us, then they started barking and charged at us. I have never run so fast in my life; I did not want to get eaten alive by dogs even if they are one of my favourite animals. The night didn’t stop there, as we were running a couple of rats decided it was a marathon and ran in front of us, so we screamed some more and increased our speed. When we got back to the hotel which was in the middle of the jungle, we felt so relieved until what I can only describe as a massive lizard orgy on our door to our room, the audacity of these big fuckers out here.

ELEPHANT NATURE PARK- A TRULY REMARKABLE EXPERIENCE

So, there is a lot of negativity when it comes to animal welfare with Thailand and especially with elephants. A lot of these horror stories you hear from elephants forced to dance to the public, carrying logs up mountains and working as beggars on the streets are sadly true. The biggest con of all is these “sanctuary’s” that make you believe that they are taking care of the elephants but when they close the doors after you leave it’s a different story. So, Jess and I did some research into legit sanctuary’s for elephants and the elephant nature park came up founded by Lek Chailert who has dedicated her life to rescuing abused elephants and is one of Asia’s heroes for animal welfare. Before you arrive you are educated in these amazing animals and how they are abused all over the world, you get to know some of the nature parks elephants stories but when you see the elephants now you wouldn’t have thought they had such a tragic past. They are chasing each other, flapping their ears and are free. No bull hooks are allowed in the nature park, each elephant has a keeper to look after them and you can see the incredible bond, they all have.

 One elephant that I just fell in love with and had a tragic story was Jokia, Her story is very upsetting-Warning senstive content -Jokia is a female elephant who worked in the log trade. She suffered a miscarriage while pulling a log uphill and was not allowed to stop working to see if her calf was dead or alive. This event cause Jokia extreme physical and emotional trauma and she refused to go back to work. As a result, she was deliberately blinded in both eyes on two separate occasions by different owners.

Jokia has two best friends Navann and Sri Prae who help guide her throughout the park with their trunks. We got to meet Jokia and Navann, Navann was holding on to Jokia and they couldn’t stop flapping their ears when we greeted them. She looked so happy, for a human to hurt her like that and not attack us as we approached just shows how strong spirited and beautiful these animals are.

I shall call him Bagheera and he shall be mine!

The elephant nature park is something that will stick with me for a long time, they have strict rules of no riding, no ball hooks, no bathing, no performing and no abusing them in any sort of way. To see free elephants, behave naturally rolling around in the mud with their friends, chasing one and other and just smiling was enough for me. We did get to feed the elephants watermelon, watch them bathe in the lake and give them a stroke. The Nature park also recuse dogs, cats, and buffaloes, they all roam freely in the park and there are hundreds of volunteers who work to support the park

If you are going to a “sanctuary” where the workers carry bull hooks, promote elephant rides and elephant shows, they are chained, or not informing you about the welfare of elephants then it’s not a sanctuary, you’re paying these people to carry on abusing them. It might look great for a photo you riding on an elephant but many of the elephants at the Nature Park sanctuary have had their backbones dislocated because of this, the workers who they had worked for won’t see this (well, refuse to acknowledge) and sadly will abuse them, even more, to carry on with broken bones to make money or they die.

If you are interested in finding more about the Park, please head over to the website here

Just the best Frappe Latte at Dek-Doi Cafe just down the street from The Eco Resort where we stayed,
The sort of things you will find at the Chiang Mai markets, Me and Jess were trying to work out for a good 10 minutes if the Croc was a real or not.

That’s it for part one of The Thailand Diaries, Part two will be next week and this part gets a little bit freaky with Ping Pong shows, dancing with strippers, and bumpy rides Baby– Oh god I’m so sorry Mom!

AMY ELIZA