Tag: relationships

Categories
lifestyle

SURVIVING VALENTINES DAY

Come the end of January and you will see hearts popping up all over the city, you go to your local coffee shop on Saturdays and its full of couples that are recreating the “I won’t let go Jack” Titanic scene and food shop on Sundays you are always harassed by the check-out to buy those on sale chocolate hearts that taste like ass. You just can’t escape the plague that we call “Valentine’s day” I have only celebrated Valentine’s day for the first year of a relationship probably because you feel the pressure to do so in the first year of a relationship. Us single people try our best to survive this eye-rolling “holiday” but sometimes we just can’t. The reason I dislike this holiday is not that I’m single, I like being single! But because people judge and question why you are single thinking you’re weird? Maybe some people just want to enjoy their own company and not have to fork money out for a pointless day that should be celebrated every day. If you are in a couple and are not celebrating your love with your partner every day then THAT is weird, and you really need to question your relationship. Sadly, this holiday can bring back painful memories of singletons who are no longer in a relationship and I would like to give something back to those people, so here’s a quick guide I put together to surviving Valentine’s day.

AVOID BUYING LATTES

You know that coffee you get every morning from your local independent that helps you get through the day, yeah forget it about it, Pal. Not only is valentines day in the air but its also in our bloody food and drink especially in coffee shops where baristas like to get all arty-farty with the holiday and create all lovey-dovey art in our coffee.

FOOD IS NOT YOUR FRIEND THIS “HOLIDAY”

Valentine’s day now has its own bloody aisle in your local Tescos, I remember the days when it was just one farty little stand at the front of the shop that had some crappy 99p cards and dead roses. You can buy all sorts for your loved one’s flowers, alcohol, socks and underpants with an open window and we all know it’s not for easy access for the toilet. Even at the checkout, you can’t escape it, there’s always some sort of valentines till deals it’s like the scene out of Love Actually “Would you like some chocolates? Would you like it gift wrapped? We also have a very lovely heart-shaped designed gift bag to put it in and can spray with lavender?!” I mean I rather go to Aldi where they sling your shopping at you, don’t ask questions and have the 2 minutes of awkward bag packing.

RESTAURANTS ARE A DEFINATE NO

On the weekend I went to a lovely little restaurant in Leamington Spa, unfortunately, my experience was ruined by an uncalled reenactment of the Titanic. A couple leaning over the table holding each other’s hands and kissing every 20 seconds-Yeah, I’m not joking. Why do couples feel the need to throw it in peoples faces? there is a time and a bed at home where you can do all that hanky panky, you don’t need to do it in public and around food.

NETFLIX AND TAKEAWAY

Sometimes the best way to celebrate valentines day is in your pants on the sofa with a dirty takeaway and Netflix.

WATCH LA LA LAND

La La Land taught me three lessons

  1. You don’t always end up with your soulmate
  2. Love is not like the love you see in the movies. Boy meets girl, they fall in love there’s a small bump in the road they get over it and they kiss the end. Sometimes relationships can pause all life aspirations and love, could be you as a partner stepping back and letting your partner bloom no matter how painful it may feel. Sometimes we do need to pause our relationships for ourselves to flourish and achieve our highest potential in life but there’s always a price.
  3. Never regret love, be grateful if you have ever experienced it because some couples out there who scream the L-word within 2 weeks don’t know how amazing and yet devasting it is to experience that feeling.

OR WATCH A HORROR WHERE THE ANNOYING COUPLE DIES FIRST

Okay okay, you can’t just watch a horror film to see a poor innocent couple murdered to shit but you can watch a horror film and take notes on why the annoying couples get the chop first and appreciate that you have the advantage as a single person you are more likely to outlive the couple. I swear I am not drunk writing this…

SINGLE LADIES REVEAL YOURSELVES!

SINGLE PRINGLES LETS MINGLE!

If you are lucky to have a few single friends then why not head out into town and embrace being single! I actually saw a tweet the other day from a girl called “Lolly” saying “Valentines day is for couples, why do I always go out with my bf on V day and see desperate single girls everywhere?! so annoying” 

  1. First things first “Lolly” you name is pure wank
  2. You are confusing confident with desperate.
  3. If you are noticing these girls more than your bf then maybe you need to jump ship Bab and hop on the muffin express Deeeekhead!

Let single people go out and enjoy themselves, there is no rulebook to say that single people can’t go out on valentines day, they have a valentine and that’s themselves and I will embrace that any bloody day because love for yourself comes first before anyone else

DIGITAL DETOX- TURN OFF THE PHONE

Smushy photos of couples, heart-themed Snapchat filters and thirrrrrstaaay tweets. I rather celebrate “I GOT MY PERIOD” day then this hoo har of a holiday. The best thing you can do is switch off and avoid. I switched my phone off the other day for 5 hours, I found myself watching pointless tv just to fill the time like Bad Girls Club and “My wife left me for a robot” documentaries. I kept looking over my shoulder at my phone and you know you have a problem when you choose to look at your phone rather than eat your steak dinner. Argh! so ashamed of myself so a digital detox is something I take part in every week now.

WRITE YOURSELF A LOVE LETTER

To many, this may sound ridiculous but you know what, it actually works. After my last relationship, I wrote myself a letter on why I deserved better, why I’m so great and why at this time you don’t need anyone to hold you up because you can hold yourself on your own. That’s one of the biggest things I have learnt in life is that some people just can’t hold themselves in life and they need a partner to carry them along throughout life, what happens if your partner gets tired of carrying you and decides to go carry another person? I was carried a lot in life but now I feel strong enough to carry myself and for me personally, that is pretty sexy!

AND REMIND YOURSELF COUPLES MIGHT BE HAVING SEX BUT YOU KNOW YOU

For some reason, if your in a couple you are expected by the whole world to have sex on Valentine’s day. This is a load of TITS because my last relationship lasted 7 years and we have not once had sex on Valentine’s day. However, if you are planning to all I can say is Way to go…but if your single remember this you know you and it takes years for someone else to “know” you and what you like. So save yourself some disappointing sex and well, have a night in with yourself.

AMY ELIZA

Categories
dating lifestyle

HOW TO PREPARE YOURSELF FOR A DATE

So when do you want to go out?

That’s it, those 8 words and BANG! Questions come flooding in “Is it too soon?” “what if he’s a bloody psychopath and wants to use my body as a piece of furniture?” and “OH GOD I NEED TO GET MY HOOHAR WAXED AND THERES NO APPOINTMENTS LEFT” Let’s face it most of us crap ourselves when we hear those words, whatever the reason it just gets the heart racing and sends us into an excited/smug mode for 1 minute that quickly turns into a hysterical panic mode where we start to question life and all that jazz. Just agree to the bloody date, will you? because I have the perfect little self-help guide to help you prepare for your date and calm those pesky nerves.

PLAN AHEAD- PAMPER DAY

First things first, you are in need of a pamper day. It’s the get down and get dirty, cleanse that first date virgin out of your system. You want to look and feel great so spoil yourself as in a “budget” spoil yourself, instead of a £100 spa day get yourself a face mask and a hot bubble bath. I know plenty of girls go out to get themselves a new haircut, spray tan, wax and all but for a first date? You could be meeting a bloody ryvita for Christ sakes, meaning a waste of a bloody wax. For people who dont know what I mean by “ryvita” its the name I give to someone who is a bit plain, boring and simply unbearable (put it in a polite way) to shag.

LEAVE THE KIDS AT HOME

You want to make an impression, right? What can you do? Well for a lot of girls its get the tits out but come on, first date ladies, please, Leave the kids back at home, period. Unless you want a bit of sexy time then I say let the kids hang out and play all night long.

PLAN THE DATE

You will feel so much better if you plan the date rather than “oh we will find something to do” If you’re planning to go out on a Friday night, are you sure you are going to get a table or get to the bar? plus you want to be able to hear your date theres no point him asking you what you do for your job and your just sitting there nodding your head like a dolphin. It’s just awful just wasting time on a date looking for places to go for your date to play out. Also BE SAFE, first dates at his place? Oh hell no that is one booty call and a half my friend!

EAT

Make sure you eat on the day of the date, you don’t want to be turning up on an empty belly and throwing chunks all over your poor date. Luckily never happened to me but I thought it was a good idea to not eat on the day of my date. There was no need to open my mouth as every time my date opened his mouth to speak my belly would respond to him, I think he noticed as he ordered a cheese board with the second round of drinks…

THE TOILET IS YOUR BESTFRIEND

Oh, come on, we all experience the nervous belly on the day of your first date and sometimes we just need to flush the crap quite literally, out of our system to get on and not panic throughout your date thinking that you are going to CRAP yourself. You feel loads better for doing so, so I would recommend grabbing a newspaper (not the Sun because that could cause angry shitting- not advisable) and just chill on there for a good 30 minutes.

KNOW YOUR FACTS

A last minute Tinder check is essential. It’s always good to know your facts before you meet your date especially remembering his name and don’t call them by their celebrity lookalikes, for example, I met up with this one lad who looked just like Harry Styles, I must have said Harry over 20 times that night and at the end of the night, he had to kindly remind me that his name was Tom.

BE YOU

Don’t turn up like a prissy “ I am no virgin to this first dates rubbish” It’s cute to be scatty, it’s comforting to show nerves and its sexy to be you and bloody own who you are. You’re nervous? well, join the club your dates nervous too so just bask in the first few minutes of nerves because they are sure to scatter away as the conversation gets going.

WATCH RU PAUL OR DRAMA FILLED TV TO KEEP YOUR MIND OCCUPIED

On the day of the date some people literally just sit on social media all day waiting for their date, not me, not since I discovered RU PAUL. There is so much drama going on in that program that I shamefully cancelled on a date (IM SO SORRY I KNOW I’M A SHIT!) just to watch the season finale, obviously don’t do what I did but take half your day up to watch some drama-packed tv to take your mind off the date later on. I will advise staying away from Sex Education as when I was on a date, we were drunkenly quoting “ITS MY VAGINA” throughout the night but then the drink wore off me and I suddenly realised he looked like a bit of a bellend saying it.

KEEP IN TOUCH ON THE DAY

It hasn’t happened to me yet, but I have spoken to friends on the day of meeting their dates and they don’t speak to them until they meet at 7 pm. Now for me, I need to speak to my date on the day of meeting them as…

1. Need to exchange wardrobe ideas, we need to be on the same page about this I could be turning up as a classy Hepburn and he could be turning up as Farmer Al.

2. It’s pretty rude to ignore your date until you are actually meeting them it kind of tells me “let’s cut all the small talk and try my chances of getting you into bed tonight sweetheart”

3. You know that this is REALLY happening.

LET THEM WAIT FOR YOU

The worse is right before you meet them, you have arranged the time and the location to meet. For me personally, I am a nervous wreck and I like to know my date is there waiting for me. This cures so many nerves before my date. The main reason for this is I know he’s real, he’s there I CAN SEE HIM! Where if it is me waiting around it’s just going to make my nerves get out of control and I will start panicking thinking a Catfish is going to turn up.

Taking these into consideration on the day of your date will hopefully calm those nerves down, are they going to completely disappear? Absolutely not, I am not bloody Jesus. You are going to be nervous but there are ways to lower the nerve meter for you to relax a little. I know the biggest concerns for us girls is “what if he doesn’t like me?” okay so what If he doesn’t like you? That’s it the world has ended? No more sales on shoes? The thing is SO WHAT? it’s not the end of the world, you move on this is not a world full of vaginas there’s plenty more manhood out there for us ladies to explore. The thing is it could be you who decides this is not what you want in your life right now, for me I have discovered that dating is just something to fill the spaces in my life for when I get a little bit bored it doesn’t mean that I am desperate to find the one because I’m not, I don’t have time for the one and really, I don’t have time to date. Dating can give you confidence, it can make you come out of your shell and it can make you realise that you owe yourself a lot more credit than you already giving yourself. The best advice I can give is to let go and enjoy yourself BUT know your worth. 

AMY ELIZA

Categories
lifestyle

GIRLS IN CLUBS

Ladies and Gents, I bring you the GIRLS IN CLUBS edition. It was hilarious to see how many of you had gone through the same experience as me with lads in clubs and hearing about how you dealt with some of the lads that I have mentioned. I promised you a Girls in club edition and I said, “Girls are much worse” and well…The proof is in the pudding baby. We have been at least 3 of those girls listed below, I can recall countless of times where I suddenly turned into Beyoncé at midnight shaking my shit everywhere and woke up the next morning full of NO REGRETS with a rip in my pants/tights. With so much drama in the world going on, we all deserve to let our hair down and act like prats now and again. So, here is the girls in club edition, are we worse than lads? Find out for yourself here…

THE CRYER

Have you ever watched girls enjoy their night with a big smile on their face and then nearing the end of the night you accidentally walk in on them slumped on the toilet floor crying their eyes out screaming “IM SO F****** UGLY” yeah…it happens in every night club. I remember I was at the bar once next to this girl and that Lewis Capaldi kid came on, all of a sudden, I heard what can almost be described as the squeakiest fart ever and it was coming from her who just started bawling at the bar. I didn’t know what to do with myself, do I comfort her? Do I ask are you okay? I just did a Lemur move and danced out of the queue.

THE BIGGEST BOOTY COMPETITOR

It’s usually when the shots come into play and its either Cardi B or that bloody terrible song by Sean Paul comes on. All the girl’s group together to see who got the biggest “floppiest” booty, no joke I did it once at a firework display in Walsall park and knocked this poor kid flying with my arse so could you imagine me doing it in a club? Jeeez.

THE “JESUS CHRIST IS SHE EVER GOING TO STOP DANCING” GIRL

I have sat on the sidelines many times and watched girls dance until their heels fly off, like literally. Is she ever going to stop? Then you see girls clocking lads they like so what do they do? They dance into them by “accident” Admit it, you have done it and of course, we are all guilty of doing this, but It works every time!

THE SELFIE/SNAPCHAT GIRLS

In this day and age, unfortunately, we have the selfie queens. I prefer dickheads but let’s keep it PG12 here [insert troll face]. I Get it, go out have fun and take a photo but don’t spend the whole night holding onto your phone and recording yourself on Snapchat with those ridiculous cat ears. You also have the groups of girls that set up their own photoshoot in a club! Guys, you have no chance with this lot they are more obsessed with getting with themselves than you.

THE “I LOVE YOU BE MY FRIEND” GIRL

We all have come across this one most likely in the girl’s bathroom. “OMG YOUR SO PRETTY, I LOVE YOUR STYLE AND YOUR BF IS SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU” but you know what’s so great with these girls…they believe everything, for example, I once told this girl that I was a Kardashian and the hilarious response was “I should think so with that arse” and then asked for my signature…

THE BORED GIRL

You cant miss her, she’s sat in the corner with a cat bum pout looking extemly bored. You ask “are you okay” and they suddenly perk up for about 10 seconds saying they are and then slump back into “bored” mode. Come on now, surely you can do that at home on the sofa and turn on some music channels for free Bab.

THE GIRLS GONE WILD

Ladies and Gents bring out the poles because it’s about to get a little wild up in here! Short skirts, bra flashing, and Miley Cyrus tongues are flapping everywhere. It’s like the Birmingham version of girls gone wild in here.

THE EASY GIRL

“Easy lover, she’ll get a hold on you believe it, like no other, before you know it, you’ll be on your knees!” Yassss Phil Collins Preach! There is one or two in every club and it’s just another day in paradise for them going against all odds to take a chap home and feel SEXYTIME in the air tonight. Wait…Did I just quote Phil Collins song titles? Err YEAH, I DID!

THE GIRL NEXT DOOR

Calm, cool and collected. Holding onto her cocktail/prosecco, she has a great smile, great hair, great everything…The lads love her, but the girls can’t bloody stand her.

THE HEN PARTY

If you suddenly seeing flying penis’s and find your straw replaced with a penis there’s a 99% chance that the hen party has arrived, or you are probably possessed by some dick devil or something. The pink, the learner banners and Beyoncé, bloody Beyoncé is on repeat all throughout the night. I don’t mind a bit of Beyoncé, but that lady has a bloody dictionary of songs about female empowerment so guaranteed it’s going to be a very long night.

THE TIME TO GO HOME GIRL

she’s not hard to miss shes usually crawling across the dance floor with her skirt halfway up her butt or slumped over the toilet throwing up and crying at the same time. We have all been there, I once got so drunk that I threw up a garden, literally, it was like some sort of veggie patch coming out of my mouth, there were basil leaves, tomatoes and all kinds of herbs! I only had a bruschetta.

AMY ELIZA

Categories
dating lifestyle

“TO THE LEFT TO THE LEFT”- MY EXPERIENCE WITH TINDER

Ah Tinder, I think most of us who have used Tinder have got a love/hate relationship with this app, but suprisingly nowadays it’s where many singletons meet their partners and I know many couples who have met via the app and are still strong to this day. My experience so far with Tinder has been a bit “Meh” but this is probably because I don’t seem to take the app seriously and I don’t expect to find “the one”. I do expect to find a load of “WTF IS THAT” pics and dog snapchat filters(yes there are people still using those). However, dont be put off just yet, as you often do find a good egg on there, you just got to find him!

Why did I sign up to Tinder?

I was in a relationship for 7 years. After the break-up it did hit me really hard and I was left with zero confidence. When you are with someone for so long and you have strong feelings for them, your feelings about yourself don’t really come into it anymore, so I didn’t do anything for myself. I was so invested in him that I never had time to treat myself or do the things that I wanted to do. My friend suggested going on Tinder to see what was out there and advised that it could possibly bring a bit of confidence back by possibly receiving compliments- Yes, the “nice tits” compliment did really give me the boost that I needed. I guess I am pretty late to the Tinder party. When I was in a relationship everyone was swiping and exchanging “dick pics”. Tinder is not all about receiving the D, you can actually meet some pretty interesting people on there and strike up a good conversation.

With the good, comes the bad and the just, plain weird. Tinder holds a variety of “male” in its keep, so if you are thinking about jumping on the Tinder express and you are intrugued, here are a few lads you will come across and some experiences I have had with them.

The “6 ft 1…because height matters” Guy

This seems to be a common saying in lads bios. I get it as a 5 ft 1 lass it’s good to know that I am not going to break my neck with a 6 ft 8 guy, buts it’s obvious you have googled “what makes a great bio” but for many girls this is one of the first questions we are going to ask you or will stalk your social media to find out. I think the tallest I have been with is about 6 ft 5 and boy, he was a struggle to climb.

The “let’s cut the small talk…show me tits” Guy

Like I said, you are going to get messages like this but it’s always amusing to have a bit of fun with it. Usually I reply with “only if you show your tits first” they become quite offended and unmatch straight away, which is great, but then one time I actually had a lad send me a selfie of his chest…jeez and I thought mine were big

The “WHICH ONE IS HE?” Guy

Why do some lads think it’s good to play where’s wally with you? When I see loads of group photos I just swipe straight away, I haven’t got time to work out which one is the prat okay?

The “Animal lover” Guy who actually doesn’t own the dog in the picture

Dogs, a great conversation starter but how disappointing that you swiped for the dog and you find out the dog is not included in the swipe. WHY TOY WITH MY EMOTIONS?!

The “just looking to make friends” Guy

So let me get this straight, you are looking to make friends..on Tinder…a dating app. You will also get the lads saying that “not looking for anything serious” which is fair enough but then they turn around and express there “Anal Feels” which in straight forward terms means they want anal sex with you, erm I thought you are not looking for anything serious? like cereals-ly.

The “Mug shot” Guy

It’s like swiping for a potato or for an ex murderer. I actually swiped once by accident on a chap who kind of resembled an egg- like a Happy co egg!- I got a message literally within a minute that read ‘hmm I was thinking of having a takeaway but I might have you instead” -Christ.

The “Guy who loves himself”

I am talking about the lads who have the shirt off in every photo who use a review like bio to really big themselves up “10/10 best shag I have ever had”-Sharon…Sharon is probably his mother.

The “Netflix and chill” Guy

What are your hobbies and interests? Netflix…and so the great Depression II begins! Since when did Netflix become a bloody hobby? Are we just going to sit around all day and “Netflix and chill” because I’d rather sit on a toilet and “Chill” instead?

The “Too good to be true” Guy

Have you ever spoken to someone and thought? Is he actually real? unfortunately there are fakes on Tinder, but I have come up with a GENIUS plan to solve this. All you need to do is ask them to take a selfie holding a kitchen fork. Now I will have people try and worm their way out of this like taking a picture of a fork or cut out the face with the fork.The hilarious responses I have had is comical, you just couldn’t write it! From “I don’t own one” to “I am on holiday I’ll have to send one when I get back”- they never do!

The “Normal” Guy

Tinder is like a bag of liquorice all sorts, there’s the rare 1 or 2 jelly spogs in a packet that all of us ladies are looking for. I have actually met some nice lads on the app and yes, they are rare to find, but they are on there!   

Over a miserable start to the year, Tinder has provided me in the later months a lot of entertainment and a boost in my confidence that I needed, my friend was right, Tinder can help to boost your confidence. Am I really ready to jump back into a relationship? Not quite, but you never know maybe one day someone will change my mind. I look at it this way, I have achieved so much more in a couple of months of being on my own than in 7 years in a relationship, it took me a little bit of time to get over a depression, but I’ve realised that I have neglected myself and it’s time for a bit of self-love. So maybe I am using Tinder for the wrong reason, but I enjoy having these bizarre conversations debating if pigeons pee or not? and being a Tinder socialite now and again, when I remember I have it! Too many people think they have to rush to find someone other than themselves to love, but doing this brought me pain, and I have finally realised that I am the one that I need to love.

Tinder can bring a lot of pain to people, but it can also bring a lot of good, and in my experience, I have taken a lot of positives with this app. It has opened my eyes to love myself again and I am actually okay on my own. Another thing I have learnt: big bums are finally in, so no more 6am runs for me! 

AMY ELIZA