So when do you want to go out?
That’s it, those 8 words and BANG! Questions come flooding in “Is it too soon?” “what if he’s a bloody psychopath and wants to use my body as a piece of furniture?” and “OH GOD I NEED TO GET MY HOOHAR WAXED AND THERES NO APPOINTMENTS LEFT” Let’s face it most of us crap ourselves when we hear those words, whatever the reason it just gets the heart racing and sends us into an excited/smug mode for 1 minute that quickly turns into a hysterical panic mode where we start to question life and all that jazz. Just agree to the bloody date, will you? because I have the perfect little self-help guide to help you prepare for your date and calm those pesky nerves.
PLAN AHEAD- PAMPER DAY
First things first, you are in need of a pamper day. It’s the get down and get dirty, cleanse that first date virgin out of your system. You want to look and feel great so spoil yourself as in a “budget” spoil yourself, instead of a £100 spa day get yourself a face mask and a hot bubble bath. I know plenty of girls go out to get themselves a new haircut, spray tan, wax and all but for a first date? You could be meeting a bloody ryvita for Christ sakes, meaning a waste of a bloody wax. For people who dont know what I mean by “ryvita” its the name I give to someone who is a bit plain, boring and simply unbearable (put it in a polite way) to shag.
LEAVE THE KIDS AT HOME
You want to make an impression, right? What can you do? Well for a lot of girls its get the tits out but come on, first date ladies, please, Leave the kids back at home, period. Unless you want a bit of sexy time then I say let the kids hang out and play all night long.
PLAN THE DATE
You will feel so much better if you plan the date rather than “oh we will find something to do” If you’re planning to go out on a Friday night, are you sure you are going to get a table or get to the bar? plus you want to be able to hear your date theres no point him asking you what you do for your job and your just sitting there nodding your head like a dolphin. It’s just awful just wasting time on a date looking for places to go for your date to play out. Also BE SAFE, first dates at his place? Oh hell no that is one booty call and a half my friend!
Make sure you eat on the day of the date, you don’t want to be turning up on an empty belly and throwing chunks all over your poor date. Luckily never happened to me but I thought it was a good idea to not eat on the day of my date. There was no need to open my mouth as every time my date opened his mouth to speak my belly would respond to him, I think he noticed as he ordered a cheese board with the second round of drinks…
THE TOILET IS YOUR BESTFRIEND
Oh, come on, we all experience the nervous belly on the day of your first date and sometimes we just need to flush the crap quite literally, out of our system to get on and not panic throughout your date thinking that you are going to CRAP yourself. You feel loads better for doing so, so I would recommend grabbing a newspaper (not the Sun because that could cause angry shitting- not advisable) and just chill on there for a good 30 minutes.
KNOW YOUR FACTS
A last minute Tinder check is essential. It’s always good to know your facts before you meet your date especially remembering his name and don’t call them by their celebrity lookalikes, for example, I met up with this one lad who looked just like Harry Styles, I must have said Harry over 20 times that night and at the end of the night, he had to kindly remind me that his name was Tom.
Don’t turn up like a prissy “ I am no virgin to this first dates rubbish” It’s cute to be scatty, it’s comforting to show nerves and its sexy to be you and bloody own who you are. You’re nervous? well, join the club your dates nervous too so just bask in the first few minutes of nerves because they are sure to scatter away as the conversation gets going.
WATCH RU PAUL OR DRAMA FILLED TV TO KEEP YOUR MIND OCCUPIED
On the day of the date some people literally just sit on social media all day waiting for their date, not me, not since I discovered RU PAUL. There is so much drama going on in that program that I shamefully cancelled on a date (IM SO SORRY I KNOW I’M A SHIT!) just to watch the season finale, obviously don’t do what I did but take half your day up to watch some drama-packed tv to take your mind off the date later on. I will advise staying away from Sex Education as when I was on a date, we were drunkenly quoting “ITS MY VAGINA” throughout the night but then the drink wore off me and I suddenly realised he looked like a bit of a bellend saying it.
KEEP IN TOUCH ON THE DAY
It hasn’t happened to me yet, but I have spoken to friends on the day of meeting their dates and they don’t speak to them until they meet at 7 pm. Now for me, I need to speak to my date on the day of meeting them as…
1. Need to exchange wardrobe ideas, we need to be on the same page about this I could be turning up as a classy Hepburn and he could be turning up as Farmer Al.
2. It’s pretty rude to ignore your date until you are actually meeting them it kind of tells me “let’s cut all the small talk and try my chances of getting you into bed tonight sweetheart”
3. You know that this is REALLY happening.
LET THEM WAIT FOR YOU
The worse is right before you meet them, you have arranged the time and the location to meet. For me personally, I am a nervous wreck and I like to know my date is there waiting for me. This cures so many nerves before my date. The main reason for this is I know he’s real, he’s there I CAN SEE HIM! Where if it is me waiting around it’s just going to make my nerves get out of control and I will start panicking thinking a Catfish is going to turn up.
Taking these into consideration on the day of your date will hopefully calm those nerves down, are they going to completely disappear? Absolutely not, I am not bloody Jesus. You are going to be nervous but there are ways to lower the nerve meter for you to relax a little. I know the biggest concerns for us girls is “what if he doesn’t like me?” okay so what If he doesn’t like you? That’s it the world has ended? No more sales on shoes? The thing is SO WHAT? it’s not the end of the world, you move on this is not a world full of vaginas there’s plenty more manhood out there for us ladies to explore. The thing is it could be you who decides this is not what you want in your life right now, for me I have discovered that dating is just something to fill the spaces in my life for when I get a little bit bored it doesn’t mean that I am desperate to find the one because I’m not, I don’t have time for the one and really, I don’t have time to date. Dating can give you confidence, it can make you come out of your shell and it can make you realise that you owe yourself a lot more credit than you already giving yourself. The best advice I can give is to let go and enjoy yourself BUT know your worth.