Tag: clubbing

Categories
lifestyle

AIN’T NO PARTY LIKE A BED AND A BREW BAB: THE CLEAR SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO OLD FOR CLUBBING

I have seen a lot of things in my time on Broad Street in Birmingham, I have seen suited up cats, walking dildos, and I once saw a girl throw up the River Nile, I’m not kidding, she was like a bloody hose pipe without the off switch. When friends say “let’s go clubbing” that is the first thing I think off is that god awful street in Birmingham but then, I also think about the terrible house music, the sweaty bodies all over me and the unpleasant fart smells that no one owns up to. Once upon a time, I loved clubbing, I loved getting all sweaty in my clothes, screaming let me be your fantasy and throwing back the cheap neon shots. Time is getting on now and well, I just rather be in an old man’s pub with a pint listening to a bit of Dexy’s Midnight Runners Come. I’ll be honest those clubbing days were a lot of fun and It took me a while to get out of that phase and realise its not that fun anymore. So, what were the signs? when is it time to say I am too old for the club, well, here are the signs to look out for and realise that you are too old for the club!

YOUR CRAVING MCDONALDS AT 10PM

All that build-up, all those hours of getting ready, only to hit the club for one drink and end up in McDonalds at 10pm for a Big Mac.

YOU CANT “GET LOW’ ANYMORE TO FLO RIDA

I mean, why the hell would you want to dance to that song anyway…

YOUR WIPING THE TOILET SEAT IN THE CLUB AND REFUSE TO SHARE YOUR TOILET WITH YOUR BESTIE ANYMORE

I remember the days of rushing to the toilets with your friends after all those vodka and cokes, and sharing a lovely toilet seat covered in other peoples urine and cigarette ash…Bliss.

ITS HAPPY HOUR! BUT YOUR FIRST THOUGHT IS I GOT TO GET UP EARLY TOMORROW…

I got a 6 am alarm, shit loads of work to do and bloody loads of meetings, have you ever done an all-nighter and gone into work the next day pissed as a fart? It took me a good hour to find my work trousers the following morning only to realise that I was already wearing them and had dropped toothpaste down my crotch…FFS.

YOU DONT EVEN MAKE IT OUT TO THE CLUB…

Have you ever gotten ready, had a glass of wine then suddenly your bed is more appealing than a night out with the girls and hideous shots…yeah, happens all the time mate.

“LETS GO TO THE NEXT CLUB!!”

Everyone has that Twat in each friendship group who doesn’t know when to call it quits on a night out but we still bloody love them to death but not when you want to call it a night. You have done your bit, you had a couple of drinks, you bopped up and down on the dance floor, that should do it, right? HECK, NO! There is always some fucker who can’t call it quits until they pulled a one night stand and a kebab.

YOU ARE ASKING FOR THE PRICE OF DRINKS

£10 for a sodding Gin and Cranberry, does that include the bloody whole bottle of gin?!

WHEN EVEN MR BRIGHTSIDE CANT BRING YOU ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR

I remember the days of Mr Brightside, the whole of Snobs flooding to the small sticky dance floor, jumping all over random people, people hugging each other screaming the lyrics and then at the end of the song leaving the dance floor smelling like someone’s stinky armpit. Good times, but now when this song comes on and you see the big sweaty crowd forming I just think BACTERIA and I cant be arsed to shower when I get in…

YOU DIVE ON YOUR FRIEND WHO IS “TOO DRUNK” BECAUSE HE/SHE IS YOUR TICKET TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

Right, so who is the one friend that is absolutely going to get shit faced tonight and is your ticket out of this joint to a Mcdonalds and an early bedtime.
8pm “I’m Fucked mate”
And we have an escape plan, exxxcellent!

YOU LOSE YOUR FRIENDS ON PURPOSE SO YOU CAN GO HOME EARLY

“Just going to pop to the toilet, back in a bit”
Runs to the exit and Dials Uber
Get home, fling heels to the floor, whip off the bra, jump into PJs, pray to the Lords that you don’t have those clingy friends that like to pee in the same toilet as you and go to bed.
MI5 you can hire me anytime Babe.

WHEN YOUR FRIENDS ARE TRYING TO GET YOU TO DANCE BUT ALL YOUR THINKING ABOUT IS WHATS HAPPENING ON LOVE ISLAND RIGHT NOW?

You agree to go out with your friends, you have a drink, you have a bite, you have a bitch, and then you are forced to sway side to side on the dance floor to some god awful pop music, but all your thinking about is whats going on in Love Island right now…and then Sean Paul comes on…FFS.

AMY ELIZA

Categories
lifestyle

GIRLS IN CLUBS

Ladies and Gents, I bring you the GIRLS IN CLUBS edition. It was hilarious to see how many of you had gone through the same experience as me with lads in clubs and hearing about how you dealt with some of the lads that I have mentioned. I promised you a Girls in club edition and I said, “Girls are much worse” and well…The proof is in the pudding baby. We have been at least 3 of those girls listed below, I can recall countless of times where I suddenly turned into Beyoncé at midnight shaking my shit everywhere and woke up the next morning full of NO REGRETS with a rip in my pants/tights. With so much drama in the world going on, we all deserve to let our hair down and act like prats now and again. So, here is the girls in club edition, are we worse than lads? Find out for yourself here…

THE CRYER

Have you ever watched girls enjoy their night with a big smile on their face and then nearing the end of the night you accidentally walk in on them slumped on the toilet floor crying their eyes out screaming “IM SO F****** UGLY” yeah…it happens in every night club. I remember I was at the bar once next to this girl and that Lewis Capaldi kid came on, all of a sudden, I heard what can almost be described as the squeakiest fart ever and it was coming from her who just started bawling at the bar. I didn’t know what to do with myself, do I comfort her? Do I ask are you okay? I just did a Lemur move and danced out of the queue.

THE BIGGEST BOOTY COMPETITOR

It’s usually when the shots come into play and its either Cardi B or that bloody terrible song by Sean Paul comes on. All the girl’s group together to see who got the biggest “floppiest” booty, no joke I did it once at a firework display in Walsall park and knocked this poor kid flying with my arse so could you imagine me doing it in a club? Jeeez.

THE “JESUS CHRIST IS SHE EVER GOING TO STOP DANCING” GIRL

I have sat on the sidelines many times and watched girls dance until their heels fly off, like literally. Is she ever going to stop? Then you see girls clocking lads they like so what do they do? They dance into them by “accident” Admit it, you have done it and of course, we are all guilty of doing this, but It works every time!

THE SELFIE/SNAPCHAT GIRLS

In this day and age, unfortunately, we have the selfie queens. I prefer dickheads but let’s keep it PG12 here [insert troll face]. I Get it, go out have fun and take a photo but don’t spend the whole night holding onto your phone and recording yourself on Snapchat with those ridiculous cat ears. You also have the groups of girls that set up their own photoshoot in a club! Guys, you have no chance with this lot they are more obsessed with getting with themselves than you.

THE “I LOVE YOU BE MY FRIEND” GIRL

We all have come across this one most likely in the girl’s bathroom. “OMG YOUR SO PRETTY, I LOVE YOUR STYLE AND YOUR BF IS SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU” but you know what’s so great with these girls…they believe everything, for example, I once told this girl that I was a Kardashian and the hilarious response was “I should think so with that arse” and then asked for my signature…

THE BORED GIRL

You cant miss her, she’s sat in the corner with a cat bum pout looking extemly bored. You ask “are you okay” and they suddenly perk up for about 10 seconds saying they are and then slump back into “bored” mode. Come on now, surely you can do that at home on the sofa and turn on some music channels for free Bab.

THE GIRLS GONE WILD

Ladies and Gents bring out the poles because it’s about to get a little wild up in here! Short skirts, bra flashing, and Miley Cyrus tongues are flapping everywhere. It’s like the Birmingham version of girls gone wild in here.

THE EASY GIRL

“Easy lover, she’ll get a hold on you believe it, like no other, before you know it, you’ll be on your knees!” Yassss Phil Collins Preach! There is one or two in every club and it’s just another day in paradise for them going against all odds to take a chap home and feel SEXYTIME in the air tonight. Wait…Did I just quote Phil Collins song titles? Err YEAH, I DID!

THE GIRL NEXT DOOR

Calm, cool and collected. Holding onto her cocktail/prosecco, she has a great smile, great hair, great everything…The lads love her, but the girls can’t bloody stand her.

THE HEN PARTY

If you suddenly seeing flying penis’s and find your straw replaced with a penis there’s a 99% chance that the hen party has arrived, or you are probably possessed by some dick devil or something. The pink, the learner banners and Beyoncé, bloody Beyoncé is on repeat all throughout the night. I don’t mind a bit of Beyoncé, but that lady has a bloody dictionary of songs about female empowerment so guaranteed it’s going to be a very long night.

THE TIME TO GO HOME GIRL

she’s not hard to miss shes usually crawling across the dance floor with her skirt halfway up her butt or slumped over the toilet throwing up and crying at the same time. We have all been there, I once got so drunk that I threw up a garden, literally, it was like some sort of veggie patch coming out of my mouth, there were basil leaves, tomatoes and all kinds of herbs! I only had a bruschetta.

AMY ELIZA

Categories
lifestyle

LADS IN CLUBS

Why do you go out? Because it’s fun? you had a bad day? or maybe, you are looking to meet someone. Whatever the reason, you can never predict the outcome of a night out, but I can always guarantee if I am out with the older ladies from work, I will end up in some shitty club in Birmingham. I don’t know what it is with me but wherever I go I seem to attract the strangest of creatures in these clubs, from giving me lollipops for good luck (don’t ask) to strange men saying I’m soo cute that they could keep me in a cage….a BLOODY CAGE?! Would you like me to eat that seeded crap and do backflips off the bars as well?

I know it’s not just me, I know most girls have come across a wide variety of types of men in clubs, soo why not reminisce and do a blog post about it hey?! So here are the types of guys I have encountered in clubs and it will be great to see if you have come across them to!

THE CREEPY JOHN TRAVOLTA

You are having a great time with your friends dancing away and then suddenly this random lad comes out of nowhere and starts making crazy eye contact and hit bumping with you…WHO INVITED YOU? WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I have to say, I have watched this many time’s on the sidelines and its pure comedy, watching the guy in his own little world and then watching the girls squirming grabbing each other for help. Now, I thought we were over this, but I was proved wrong…I blame those tv shows on Netflix that suggest creepy guys are quite hot in a weird, not normal way (I.E YOU)

GOD HES CREEPY BUT I LOVE IT!

THE SPITTER

Tap on the shoulder, you turn around and there’s this smiley chap wanting to speak to you. I’ve had “my friend likes you or you look like Paloma faith” but the music is soo loud you can’t understand a word, so he does the worse thing possible, he talks to you in your ear, I mean, SPITS IN YOUR EAR. Did I ask for an ear infection?

THE STARER

Ever feel like someone is watching you? Chances are someone is but that’s all they are doing…staring. However, when you get closer to the lad you realise that he is just making great eye contact with your boobs…

THE DRUNK

There’s one in every club without fail and it’s a bloody nightmare if you interact with them because they just talk total shit and they are convinced they are related to you or know you in some way. I once watched a guy who was soo drunk he threw up and then fell off his podium face-planting his sick on the floor, Poor sod.

THE SHY GUY

He’s usually holding onto his beer for dear life, he will stand in his group and just nod along and wait for his turn to talk. He won’t talk to you unless you throw up on him by accident or steal his pint…works a treat trust me.

THE SMOOTH TALKER

He’s calm, he’s collected and he’s a COCKY COCK and he knows it! He knows the right words to say and he just might get you into bed tonight darling. Sometimes they come out with a bit of witty humour, for example, I was wearing a denim jacket and this guy comes out of nowhere wearing a similar denim jacket and says “Guess, you got the Denim memo?” 

Oh god I’m a sucker for flirty fashion chat up lines…TAKE ME HOME.

THE GIMME GIMME GIMME A GIRL AFTER MIDNIGHT LAD

Have you ever watched lads go from girl to girl, it’s happened to myself and I am pretty sure it’s happened to you? You tell him you got a boyfriend, girlfriend and he’s not taking no for an answer. So yes, sometimes you got to pull the crab card out and tell a guy you have crabs just to get rid of them and guess what I got in return “we could do it in the shower?”

Lord have mercy, thank god I spent the rest of the night in the toilet because as I came out at the end of the night, I saw him go home with another girl.

THE GUY IN THE WAISTCOAT

Don’t need to go into detail about this chap but there’s always one for every club you go into and they always look completely lost.

THE GUY WHO TOUCHES YOUR BUTT

Sometimes a guy will just jump on in there and will do what they think you will like…touch the butt. Is pinching the arse some way of saying hello? Is this a new craze the kids have brought out? But you know what’s worse? THE GHOST PINCHER…you will feel a pinch on your butt and you turn around and NO ONE IS THERE?!

THE SUITS

Friday night after works drinks are in order and Birmingham is full of navy suits and orange brogues. Usually a mixture of lads really, you have…

The “I own a BMW and a French bulldog” Guy

The “I don’t want to be here so I am just going to go along with this for a couple of hours and rush back to my girlfriend” Guy

and the guy who is all about “LADS TITS BEER YESSSSS LADSSSSS”

So, there you have it, the guys you will encounter at clubs and what’s that? the cries from you lads reading this post “BUT WHAT ABOUT GIRLS?” and lads, you are absolutely right! Unfortunately, girls, you are a lot worse in clubs than lads. Don’t believe me? Stay tuned for next week’s GIRLS IN CLUBS blog post.

AMY ELIZA