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dating lifestyle

HOW TO PREPARE YOURSELF FOR A DATE

So when do you want to go out?

That’s it, those 8 words and BANG! Questions come flooding in “Is it too soon?” “what if he’s a bloody psychopath and wants to use my body as a piece of furniture?” and “OH GOD I NEED TO GET MY HOOHAR WAXED AND THERES NO APPOINTMENTS LEFT” Let’s face it most of us crap ourselves when we hear those words, whatever the reason it just gets the heart racing and sends us into an excited/smug mode for 1 minute that quickly turns into a hysterical panic mode where we start to question life and all that jazz. Just agree to the bloody date, will you? because I have the perfect little self-help guide to help you prepare for your date and calm those pesky nerves.

PLAN AHEAD- PAMPER DAY

First things first, you are in need of a pamper day. It’s the get down and get dirty, cleanse that first date virgin out of your system. You want to look and feel great so spoil yourself as in a “budget” spoil yourself, instead of a £100 spa day get yourself a face mask and a hot bubble bath. I know plenty of girls go out to get themselves a new haircut, spray tan, wax and all but for a first date? You could be meeting a bloody ryvita for Christ sakes, meaning a waste of a bloody wax. For people who dont know what I mean by “ryvita” its the name I give to someone who is a bit plain, boring and simply unbearable (put it in a polite way) to shag.

LEAVE THE KIDS AT HOME

You want to make an impression, right? What can you do? Well for a lot of girls its get the tits out but come on, first date ladies, please, Leave the kids back at home, period. Unless you want a bit of sexy time then I say let the kids hang out and play all night long.

PLAN THE DATE

You will feel so much better if you plan the date rather than “oh we will find something to do” If you’re planning to go out on a Friday night, are you sure you are going to get a table or get to the bar? plus you want to be able to hear your date theres no point him asking you what you do for your job and your just sitting there nodding your head like a dolphin. It’s just awful just wasting time on a date looking for places to go for your date to play out. Also BE SAFE, first dates at his place? Oh hell no that is one booty call and a half my friend!

EAT

Make sure you eat on the day of the date, you don’t want to be turning up on an empty belly and throwing chunks all over your poor date. Luckily never happened to me but I thought it was a good idea to not eat on the day of my date. There was no need to open my mouth as every time my date opened his mouth to speak my belly would respond to him, I think he noticed as he ordered a cheese board with the second round of drinks…

THE TOILET IS YOUR BESTFRIEND

Oh, come on, we all experience the nervous belly on the day of your first date and sometimes we just need to flush the crap quite literally, out of our system to get on and not panic throughout your date thinking that you are going to CRAP yourself. You feel loads better for doing so, so I would recommend grabbing a newspaper (not the Sun because that could cause angry shitting- not advisable) and just chill on there for a good 30 minutes.

KNOW YOUR FACTS

A last minute Tinder check is essential. It’s always good to know your facts before you meet your date especially remembering his name and don’t call them by their celebrity lookalikes, for example, I met up with this one lad who looked just like Harry Styles, I must have said Harry over 20 times that night and at the end of the night, he had to kindly remind me that his name was Tom.

BE YOU

Don’t turn up like a prissy “ I am no virgin to this first dates rubbish” It’s cute to be scatty, it’s comforting to show nerves and its sexy to be you and bloody own who you are. You’re nervous? well, join the club your dates nervous too so just bask in the first few minutes of nerves because they are sure to scatter away as the conversation gets going.

WATCH RU PAUL OR DRAMA FILLED TV TO KEEP YOUR MIND OCCUPIED

On the day of the date some people literally just sit on social media all day waiting for their date, not me, not since I discovered RU PAUL. There is so much drama going on in that program that I shamefully cancelled on a date (IM SO SORRY I KNOW I’M A SHIT!) just to watch the season finale, obviously don’t do what I did but take half your day up to watch some drama-packed tv to take your mind off the date later on. I will advise staying away from Sex Education as when I was on a date, we were drunkenly quoting “ITS MY VAGINA” throughout the night but then the drink wore off me and I suddenly realised he looked like a bit of a bellend saying it.

KEEP IN TOUCH ON THE DAY

It hasn’t happened to me yet, but I have spoken to friends on the day of meeting their dates and they don’t speak to them until they meet at 7 pm. Now for me, I need to speak to my date on the day of meeting them as…

1. Need to exchange wardrobe ideas, we need to be on the same page about this I could be turning up as a classy Hepburn and he could be turning up as Farmer Al.

2. It’s pretty rude to ignore your date until you are actually meeting them it kind of tells me “let’s cut all the small talk and try my chances of getting you into bed tonight sweetheart”

3. You know that this is REALLY happening.

LET THEM WAIT FOR YOU

The worse is right before you meet them, you have arranged the time and the location to meet. For me personally, I am a nervous wreck and I like to know my date is there waiting for me. This cures so many nerves before my date. The main reason for this is I know he’s real, he’s there I CAN SEE HIM! Where if it is me waiting around it’s just going to make my nerves get out of control and I will start panicking thinking a Catfish is going to turn up.

Taking these into consideration on the day of your date will hopefully calm those nerves down, are they going to completely disappear? Absolutely not, I am not bloody Jesus. You are going to be nervous but there are ways to lower the nerve meter for you to relax a little. I know the biggest concerns for us girls is “what if he doesn’t like me?” okay so what If he doesn’t like you? That’s it the world has ended? No more sales on shoes? The thing is SO WHAT? it’s not the end of the world, you move on this is not a world full of vaginas there’s plenty more manhood out there for us ladies to explore. The thing is it could be you who decides this is not what you want in your life right now, for me I have discovered that dating is just something to fill the spaces in my life for when I get a little bit bored it doesn’t mean that I am desperate to find the one because I’m not, I don’t have time for the one and really, I don’t have time to date. Dating can give you confidence, it can make you come out of your shell and it can make you realise that you owe yourself a lot more credit than you already giving yourself. The best advice I can give is to let go and enjoy yourself BUT know your worth. 

AMY ELIZA

Categories
lifestyle

LADS IN CLUBS

Why do you go out? Because it’s fun? you had a bad day? or maybe, you are looking to meet someone. Whatever the reason, you can never predict the outcome of a night out, but I can always guarantee if I am out with the older ladies from work, I will end up in some shitty club in Birmingham. I don’t know what it is with me but wherever I go I seem to attract the strangest of creatures in these clubs, from giving me lollipops for good luck (don’t ask) to strange men saying I’m soo cute that they could keep me in a cage….a BLOODY CAGE?! Would you like me to eat that seeded crap and do backflips off the bars as well?

I know it’s not just me, I know most girls have come across a wide variety of types of men in clubs, soo why not reminisce and do a blog post about it hey?! So here are the types of guys I have encountered in clubs and it will be great to see if you have come across them to!

THE CREEPY JOHN TRAVOLTA

You are having a great time with your friends dancing away and then suddenly this random lad comes out of nowhere and starts making crazy eye contact and hit bumping with you…WHO INVITED YOU? WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I have to say, I have watched this many time’s on the sidelines and its pure comedy, watching the guy in his own little world and then watching the girls squirming grabbing each other for help. Now, I thought we were over this, but I was proved wrong…I blame those tv shows on Netflix that suggest creepy guys are quite hot in a weird, not normal way (I.E YOU)

GOD HES CREEPY BUT I LOVE IT!

THE SPITTER

Tap on the shoulder, you turn around and there’s this smiley chap wanting to speak to you. I’ve had “my friend likes you or you look like Paloma faith” but the music is soo loud you can’t understand a word, so he does the worse thing possible, he talks to you in your ear, I mean, SPITS IN YOUR EAR. Did I ask for an ear infection?

THE STARER

Ever feel like someone is watching you? Chances are someone is but that’s all they are doing…staring. However, when you get closer to the lad you realise that he is just making great eye contact with your boobs…

THE DRUNK

There’s one in every club without fail and it’s a bloody nightmare if you interact with them because they just talk total shit and they are convinced they are related to you or know you in some way. I once watched a guy who was soo drunk he threw up and then fell off his podium face-planting his sick on the floor, Poor sod.

THE SHY GUY

He’s usually holding onto his beer for dear life, he will stand in his group and just nod along and wait for his turn to talk. He won’t talk to you unless you throw up on him by accident or steal his pint…works a treat trust me.

THE SMOOTH TALKER

He’s calm, he’s collected and he’s a COCKY COCK and he knows it! He knows the right words to say and he just might get you into bed tonight darling. Sometimes they come out with a bit of witty humour, for example, I was wearing a denim jacket and this guy comes out of nowhere wearing a similar denim jacket and says “Guess, you got the Denim memo?” 

Oh god I’m a sucker for flirty fashion chat up lines…TAKE ME HOME.

THE GIMME GIMME GIMME A GIRL AFTER MIDNIGHT LAD

Have you ever watched lads go from girl to girl, it’s happened to myself and I am pretty sure it’s happened to you? You tell him you got a boyfriend, girlfriend and he’s not taking no for an answer. So yes, sometimes you got to pull the crab card out and tell a guy you have crabs just to get rid of them and guess what I got in return “we could do it in the shower?”

Lord have mercy, thank god I spent the rest of the night in the toilet because as I came out at the end of the night, I saw him go home with another girl.

THE GUY IN THE WAISTCOAT

Don’t need to go into detail about this chap but there’s always one for every club you go into and they always look completely lost.

THE GUY WHO TOUCHES YOUR BUTT

Sometimes a guy will just jump on in there and will do what they think you will like…touch the butt. Is pinching the arse some way of saying hello? Is this a new craze the kids have brought out? But you know what’s worse? THE GHOST PINCHER…you will feel a pinch on your butt and you turn around and NO ONE IS THERE?!

THE SUITS

Friday night after works drinks are in order and Birmingham is full of navy suits and orange brogues. Usually a mixture of lads really, you have…

The “I own a BMW and a French bulldog” Guy

The “I don’t want to be here so I am just going to go along with this for a couple of hours and rush back to my girlfriend” Guy

and the guy who is all about “LADS TITS BEER YESSSSS LADSSSSS”

So, there you have it, the guys you will encounter at clubs and what’s that? the cries from you lads reading this post “BUT WHAT ABOUT GIRLS?” and lads, you are absolutely right! Unfortunately, girls, you are a lot worse in clubs than lads. Don’t believe me? Stay tuned for next week’s GIRLS IN CLUBS blog post.

AMY ELIZA

Categories
Birmingham dating

WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN DATING A BRUMMIE

The wonderful world of dating now controlled by a variety of online dating apps such as Tinder and Bumble. Gone are the days where couples say “we met on a night out” or at a “friends gathering” because finding someone for whatever purpose you may have is now made pretty easy for us. One flick on an app and a date is set up or if its Tinder a “Wham bam thank you ma’am” is set up. From my experience, the one question I always get is “Have you got the dodgy Birmingham accent?” I am born and raised in Birmingham, of course, I’ve got the accent Bab but now thanks to Peaky Blinders, the accent now appears to many as “sexy” There is more to dating Brummie’s than just the accent and here are a few things in what to expect when you date a Brummie.

WE LOVE OUR CITY

Brummies are very friendly and always up for a laugh, Possibly the friendliest people you will meet on this planet. The conversations I have had on the train, in pubs, and in the toilets with fellow Brummies from not knowing each other to sharing shitty burger van burgers and helping to unzip each other’s dresses down. We have great humour, a great city we call home and we don’t really give a shite what you think of us.

FANCY A BREW BAB?

Now, this is a term you will hear in many Brummie households. Us Brummies love a cuppa now and again, especially with a chip butty. I think my parents drink around 6 cups of tea maybe even more, and any time a guest comes around that’s the first thing they will say. Fancy a brew seems to be the answer to everything, split up with your boyfriend? Time of the month? Brexit is delayed again? One boob is longer than the other? It will be okay come in and have a cuppa!
There’s a brew for every problem.

BRACE YOURSELF FOR THE SNOBS STORIES

RIP snobs, you will be forever in our hearts. Every Brummie has a Snob story, You will hear Snobs a lot when you come to Brum “Do you remember the old Snobs? Pints were £1 and you can never remember how you got thrown out?” We will entertain you with many stories about the “Old Snobs” The story’s, the people and the crappy food that we had after Snobs finished in the little takeaway shop next door-I wish I could remember the name. We will talk about the sticky floor, the lack of light, the trips to hospitals after slipping all over the joint and the whole room going crazy singing to The Killers-Mr Brightside. To many, it was a shithole, but it was our shithole that we absolutely adored.

MEETING UP IN BRUM

There was a time when McDonald’s on the ramp was an alright place to meet but nowadays it is Grand Central (to us Brummies it’s still New Street) or the Bull- just don’t expect us to take a selfie in front of it. For me, It’s Grand Central Station meeting outside Pret a Manger so as I come out of the ticket barriers usually, I can see my date waiting for me then its decision time-Should I stay, or should I go? I wonder if anyone else does this?

FOOTBALL

Maybe refrain from asking the family what football team they support. Its Aston Villa or Birmingham City…choose carefully, a proper Brummie is an Aston Villa supporter…Sorry, not Sorry. This is one of the first questions my dad will ask potential boyfriends. I always give them a warning “Say you support Aston Villa or no one” thankfully my dad hasn’t used the garden hose on anyone yet…

AVOIDING BROAD STREET LIKE THE BLOODY PLAGUE

Now, this may not apply to all Brummies, but for me, I can’t stand the bloody place. On a Saturday night, you will see all kinds of things from legless creatures to sad-looking dildos lying in the street, it’s a very long and wide version of the strip in Malia that is one to avoid on first dates. Dont ever suggest Broad Street as a first date, we wont be impressed unless its a stay in The Hyatt…meaning the 3rd or 4th date, God! who do you think I am?!

MCDONALDS ON THE RAMP AFTER A NIGHT OUT?

it’s just the last stop before home to try and sober ourselves up. It’s the only place in Brum that is open 24 hours and is quite appealing after a sweaty night out in Be at one.

OMG YOU’RE FROM BIRRRRMINGHAAAAAAM, DO YOU WATCH PEAKY BLINDERS?

Don’t try and attempt the accent, we won’t be impressed. We get a lot of stick for our accents but thanks to Peaky Blinders, those days are gone. The Birmingham accent is officially sexy, thank you, Mr Cillian Murphy.

THE BULLRING

Of course, if you have never been to Birmingham before you will be thinking about taking a trip up to the Bullring. Now for me, it’s okay February-September but then come October it gets manic and especially at Christmas, if I was to take a crap on the floor, no one would notice because everyone is in their own little world rushing around like blue arsed flies.

November in Birmingham…AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS.

Its that time again fellow Brummies get ready to get stuck behind peoples backs for half an hour, touched up by random peoples shoulders and even wrestle with yourself as to the reason why you even came. If you’re dating a Brummie at Christmas time, sure enough, you will be dragged to the famous German market. Yes, it very festive, you have loved up couples being all cute and all but to most of us Brummies, it’s a bloody pain in the arse. It goes on for bloody miles now it’s like the river Nile for christ sake and every turn you take theres those great big whopping sausages taking your eye out, do people not know that most of the food/drink from the German Market can be brought for cheaper at your local Lidl?

AMY ELIZA