I have seen a lot of things in my time on Broad Street in Birmingham, I have seen suited up cats, walking dildos, and I once saw a girl throw up the River Nile, I’m not kidding, she was like a bloody hose pipe without the off switch. When friends say “let’s go clubbing” that is the first thing I think off is that god awful street in Birmingham but then, I also think about the terrible house music, the sweaty bodies all over me and the unpleasant fart smells that no one owns up to. Once upon a time, I loved clubbing, I loved getting all sweaty in my clothes, screaming let me be your fantasy and throwing back the cheap neon shots. Time is getting on now and well, I just rather be in an old man’s pub with a pint listening to a bit of Dexy’s Midnight Runners Come. I’ll be honest those clubbing days were a lot of fun and It took me a while to get out of that phase and realise its not that fun anymore. So, what were the signs? when is it time to say I am too old for the club, well, here are the signs to look out for and realise that you are too old for the club!

YOUR CRAVING MCDONALDS AT 10PM

All that build-up, all those hours of getting ready, only to hit the club for one drink and end up in McDonalds at 10pm for a Big Mac.

YOU CANT “GET LOW’ ANYMORE TO FLO RIDA

I mean, why the hell would you want to dance to that song anyway…

YOUR WIPING THE TOILET SEAT IN THE CLUB AND REFUSE TO SHARE YOUR TOILET WITH YOUR BESTIE ANYMORE

I remember the days of rushing to the toilets with your friends after all those vodka and cokes, and sharing a lovely toilet seat covered in other peoples urine and cigarette ash…Bliss.

ITS HAPPY HOUR! BUT YOUR FIRST THOUGHT IS I GOT TO GET UP EARLY TOMORROW…

I got a 6 am alarm, shit loads of work to do and bloody loads of meetings, have you ever done an all-nighter and gone into work the next day pissed as a fart? It took me a good hour to find my work trousers the following morning only to realise that I was already wearing them and had dropped toothpaste down my crotch…FFS.

YOU DONT EVEN MAKE IT OUT TO THE CLUB…

Have you ever gotten ready, had a glass of wine then suddenly your bed is more appealing than a night out with the girls and hideous shots…yeah, happens all the time mate.

“LETS GO TO THE NEXT CLUB!!”

Everyone has that Twat in each friendship group who doesn’t know when to call it quits on a night out but we still bloody love them to death but not when you want to call it a night. You have done your bit, you had a couple of drinks, you bopped up and down on the dance floor, that should do it, right? HECK, NO! There is always some fucker who can’t call it quits until they pulled a one night stand and a kebab.

YOU ARE ASKING FOR THE PRICE OF DRINKS

£10 for a sodding Gin and Cranberry, does that include the bloody whole bottle of gin?!

WHEN EVEN MR BRIGHTSIDE CANT BRING YOU ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR

I remember the days of Mr Brightside, the whole of Snobs flooding to the small sticky dance floor, jumping all over random people, people hugging each other screaming the lyrics and then at the end of the song leaving the dance floor smelling like someone’s stinky armpit. Good times, but now when this song comes on and you see the big sweaty crowd forming I just think BACTERIA and I cant be arsed to shower when I get in…

YOU DIVE ON YOUR FRIEND WHO IS “TOO DRUNK” BECAUSE HE/SHE IS YOUR TICKET TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

Right, so who is the one friend that is absolutely going to get shit faced tonight and is your ticket out of this joint to a Mcdonalds and an early bedtime.
8pm “I’m Fucked mate”
And we have an escape plan, exxxcellent!

YOU LOSE YOUR FRIENDS ON PURPOSE SO YOU CAN GO HOME EARLY

“Just going to pop to the toilet, back in a bit”
Runs to the exit and Dials Uber
Get home, fling heels to the floor, whip off the bra, jump into PJs, pray to the Lords that you don’t have those clingy friends that like to pee in the same toilet as you and go to bed.
MI5 you can hire me anytime Babe.

WHEN YOUR FRIENDS ARE TRYING TO GET YOU TO DANCE BUT ALL YOUR THINKING ABOUT IS WHATS HAPPENING ON LOVE ISLAND RIGHT NOW?

You agree to go out with your friends, you have a drink, you have a bite, you have a bitch, and then you are forced to sway side to side on the dance floor to some god awful pop music, but all your thinking about is whats going on in Love Island right now…and then Sean Paul comes on…FFS.

AMY ELIZA